Top Ten Stories For The Week, 5/2/20

[Old Man Metal]

The top ten most-read stories on the Front Page that were posted between last Sunday and yesterday are:

#1: Woman Digs Herself Out of Grave After Being 'Tortured and Buried Alive in a Cemetery by Her Neighbors'
by @Turd Fergusen

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/woman-digs-herself-out-of-grave-after-being-tortured-and-buried-alive-in-a-cemetery-by-her-neighbors.114188/

#2: Teens Tried Hiring Hitman After Girl’s Stepdad Caught Them In Bed
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/teens-tried-hiring-hitman-after-girl%E2%80%99s-stepdad-caught-them-in-bed.114142/

#3: Grandmother Burns Little Girl’s Face And Genitals As Punishment For Wetting Herself
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/grandmother-burns-little-girl%E2%80%99s-face-genitals-as-punishment-for-wetting-herself.114207/

#4: Melvin Miller Offered Victim a Doughnut After Raping Her. 250,000 Images of Child Porn Found on His Computer
by @Turd Fergusen

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/melvin-miller-offered-victim-a-doughnut-after-raping-her-250-000-images-of-child-porn-found-on-his-computer.114206/

#5: Woman Found Dead Days After She’s Seen ‘Screaming For Help’ As Women Drag Her Into A Home
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/woman-found-dead-days-after-she%E2%80%99s-seen-%E2%80%98screaming-for-help%E2%80%99-as-women-drag-her-into-a-home.114228/

#6: Video of Child Performing Sex Acts Posted On Facebook Live Leads To 3 Arrests
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/video-of-child-performing-sex-acts-posted-on-facebook-live-leads-to-3-arrests.114170/

#7: Homicide Investigation Into Death of Man Whose Wife Dosed Him With Chloroquine Phosphate
by @Muriel Schwenck

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/homicide-investigation-into-death-of-man-whose-wife-dosed-him-with-chloroquine-phosphate.114193/

#8: A Naked Mom In Ukraine Carried The Severed Head Of A Girl In A Plastic Bag Down The Road
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/a-naked-mom-in-ukraine-carried-the-severed-head-of-a-girl-in-a-plastic-bag-down-the-road.114271/

#9: Couple Found Passed Out In Car With 1-Year-Old
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/couple-found-passed-out-in-car-with-1-year-old-mug-shot-gold.114185/

#10: 13-year-old Killed Man Because He 'Just Felt Like Doing It', Police Say
by @Sugar Cookie

https://dreamindemon.com/community/threads/13-year-old-killed-man-because-he-just-felt-like-doing-it-police-say.114191/

It was Walpurgisnacht, and all through the Den
All the scumfucks were lowly, and reeking of sin
Their sacrifices hung by the altar with care
In hopes that Old Nick soon would be there

When out from the Big Top there arose such a ruckus
I spilled my good beer and growled aloud "fuck this!"
Away to the window I flew with my gun
Determined to end all their Witches' Night fun

The trashfire's glare lit the back lot below
Bathing the scumfucks in its rancid red glow
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a ringleading scumfuck with a wicked mean sneer

"It's Walpurgisnacht, and we're here to raise hell!
We'll piss on the cross, and ring Satan's bell!
You'd best put that down, and stay out of our way,
Or it's curtains for you, and you won't see the day.

I've got Ukranian drunks that'll bury you live
And then they'll drink more, and go for a drive
I've got kids that'll kill you for catching them nude
But then who can blame her, he's a weird-looking dude

And old Granny Feil, who will burn you right up
Like she did to the hoohah on her daughter's young pup
And poor Melvin Miller, who likes them too young
He'll give you a doughnut as soon as he's sprung

Don't forget las chicas malas from Mesa AZ
They'll beat you to death, the one plus the three
And dirty Bill Johnson, he likes fucking the kids
With Jami and Shelby, making Facebook porn vids

I've got that bitch Wanda, with her home remedy
Some chloroquine phosphate, she's a widow-to-be
And, yes, Mamma Tat, the Ukranian cleaner
With a head in a bag from her daughter Kristina

And nodded-out junkies in a gas station lot,
Pills more important than their one-year-old tot
A thirteen year-old killer who just had to do it
'I just want to die, I'll kill you, though, screw it.'

So I've all the cards, my minions are potent
My evil's precise: I scheme like a rodent
Your best cannot stop us, your worst cannot join us
So put down the shotgun, you top-hatted dumbass!"

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I blasted his ass, and he fell with a jerk,
Then I blasted his minions, and again for a joke
Cause I can't get enough of that acrid gunsmoke

I blasted and blasted, 'til the blasting was done
'Cause I was riled up, and blasting is fun
Then I called to the Big Top as I stumbled to bed:
"If you wake me again, you're Walpurgisna-dead!"

 

[Alf]

Bravo

--Al

ETA:

A tip of the ball cap to @Sugar Cookie, @Turd Fergusen, and @Muriel Schwenck.

-A

 

[Craygor]

I was about to fucking lose it at

"And, yes, Mamma Tat, the Ukranian cleaner
With a head in a bag from her daughter Kristina"

 

[Keepalowprofile]

Good job everyone.

Thank you @Old Man Metal for another good write up.

 

[Old Man Metal]

I was about to fucking lose it at

"And, yes, Mamma Tat, the Ukranian cleaner
With a head in a bag from her daughter Kristina"

Definitely the best couplet of the lot... and this one was actually pretty good as a whole.

ETA: I heard J-Roc from Trailer Park boys in my head when I wrote that one... it's the same cadence as "I spin more rhymes than a lazy susan" hahaha

 

[Siobhan]

Is it wrong that I read that while hearing it as Rock/Hip Hop fusion?
Mad props @Old Man Metal , Bravo!

 

[Turd Fergusen]

Good job everyone!!