WATCH: Man Brandishes Axe In NYC McDonald’s, Smashes Property, Frightens Customers
An angry man with an axe went wild in a New York City McDonald’s early Friday morning.The suspect, 31-year-old Michael Palacios, walked into the restaurant at 2:25 a.m. and reportedly got into an argument with three other men. He then grabbed an axe out of his backpack and shattered glass while...
Firstly, before I get into my social commentary, I would like to petition that this news item be placed on the DD front page. Seems like the qualifications for front page articles have been quite stringent recently, or something along those lines. There has not been a front-page story since September 6. Oy vey! In internet terms, that could be years! There are memes that are popular for a shorter amount of time than that.
With that said, there are Karens and Kennys, and then there is this! I am glad that no human got hurt or injured during Mickey P's reign of terror, but I am sure that McDonald's wants their tables and panes of glass back. And I do not, particularly, envy the position of the woman with the white top and red/pink pants, who was likely very frightened in that moment. How do you deal with a guy who is wielding a previously unannounced axe in a public setting, and has HULK SMASH-level anger... and then he addresses you personally? I believe that most people are, at any given time, not in the mood to possibly get their skull brutally bifurcated by a crude instrument. "C'mon man, I only came here to eat a Big Mac."
Also, now I have further understanding of why people hate bicyclists so much. But the person in the video is just an "extreme example" and a "rotten apple". No. When you're in a vehicle, behind a slow-moving bicyclist who is moving a lot slower and obstructing parts of the road, you just have to be extra-delicate as a driver and not hurt their feelings or break any of their bones or their precious bike with one tiny move. Bicyclists are snowflakes of the road.
I had a bicyclist friend who "hired" me to ghostwrite a book for him. It was a non-fiction book about himself and his grand, amazing, spectacular, wonderful adventures he went on. It took both of us five years to write next to nothing, and was a colossal waste of my time, eventually almost as agonizing as my time going to that one mediocre college in the middle of nowhere that I never fully wanted to exist in, or even be casually associated with; this college is how I met this man. This freaking guy thinks so highly of himself that he has historically invited himself into an obnoxiously high amount of aspects of my life, and made so much of my life all about himself in a way that goes excessively beyond acceptability. No, I do not hate bicyclists that much generally speaking, but I have read between the lines that he is a mediocre white guy with a wanderlusting sense of adventure an a thrilling origin story, but does not otherwise have enough teeth to be worth my time personally or professionally. But I have to think all this is okay, because he is really nice and super deep and pays me positive attention! And that sort of thing justifies him asking endless amounts of grand favors from me.
Everybody and their mother wants to come to New York City! It's the beautiful metropolitan area where you can pick up gold from the streets (or, at least, a soggy French fry that is vaguely golden-colored), pay a lifetime's fortune a month for a 120 sq ft. cubicle with a shared bathroom that may or may not have unattended needles next to the sink, and fantasize about seeing concerts and Broadway plays all the time without being able to afford to do so that often because you're not a rich, famous actor like Robert DeNiro or anyone who was a long-running member of the Cats musical. 8,000,000+ people sprawling and banging each other, and building tacky skyscrapers on Indian burial grounds and welcoming anyone who wants to give the city a side-eyed glance is a totally great plan for building a city. Totally great plan! Great way to get people to continue to dream about oceanside property while ruthlessly mocking them behind their backs. New York City has over 29,000 people per square mile (actual statistic), otherwise known as 5.3 people per coffee-stained box spring mattress (a statistic with artistic liberties). As the 46th president would end up saying, "Give me your tired, your poor, your, your, that... you know the thing!" As his wife Jill would say, Welcome to America! How long are you serving breakfast?" I really do not believe that even an infinite amount of Alicia Keys and St. Vincent songs about New York could rehabilitate its image.
But back to the original story at hand, this is not even the first time that Dreamin' Demon has featured a story with a man in McDonald's wielding an axe. (I had to find an archived version of the story, because this present site does not have it stored on its own.) So, therefore, humanity: PLEASE DO BETTER! Or not, either way is fine. On the one hand, it pays off much better to be a responsible, upstanding, and fiscally mature person in society. On the other hand, if someone swings an axe or hatchet around in a McDonald's, then it gives this website more material to work with, therefore keeping this website alive. Therefore, maybe I should start a campaign for people to BRING THEIR AXES TO McDONALD'S and see what the hell happens, purely for self-serving reasons that will help my writing aspirations. But since I cannot officially or morally condone such methods, I will have to evade all responsibility for how the phenomenon would progress in the situation that Internet People would come after me with pitchforks and... God Forbid they get me... CANCELLED!
A gif of several young, Caucasian blonde women screaming while a camera zooms in to close-up their faces does have a hypnotic quality.
If I were to have to write an overly-long apology once the phenomenon transpires, and the public would hardly buy it anyways, I will still have the writing experience.
I am Symmachus, I am officially campaigning for this article to make the Dreamin' Demon front page, and I approve this message!
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