When I was in junior high, my Social Studies teacher for two years running was Ms. Cleary. She worked at Belks part-time and was convinced that she was a fashion expert, which she wasn't, and she was a Ms. because she was too good for every guy out there, but other than thinking a bit much of herself, she was a pretty good teacher. She never once got me in trouble. I'd bet she was a white wine drinker, and she was probably a decent lay, but none of us ever found out, because back then, only male teachers fucked students.
Every Friday, Ms. Cleary would make us play Current Events, and we had to supply the questions and answers for the game (ten of them from each one of us). I would spend most of my time trying to remember the answers to my questions, because I was usually really fucking high (I was a bad boy) and didn't want to look like it (we had to answer our questions if no one else got them). Memorizing my answers, and trying not to get called on, and fucking with one of my buddies without Ms. Cleary seeing me, like the time Rob was leaning back in his chair and I pushed it and it fell over and dumped him in the floor and all she saw was his dumb ass all sprawled out and he got a lecture about trying to be funny when he really, REALLY wasn't, was he? and I'm like "Yeah, Rob, some of us are trying to learn" and then he REALLY got laughed at.
I was a special kind of asshole when I was a kid.
So I hope you've been paying attention this week, because it's Current Events time, and this counts towards your final grade. And I'll see that bad girl in the back chewing gum in my office after class.
You have 20 minutes. No cheating.
1. A Pennsylvania private-duty nurse was arrested after injuring a severely disabled patient in his charge how?
A. He dropped her on her head
B. He put an oversized novelty catheter in the wrong hole repeatedly
C. He broke her leg while giving her unauthorized sexual therapy
D. He burned her with a red-hot poker
2. An Oklahoma mother was arrested for stabbing her daughter with a screwdriver and punching her in the face because
A. It was her (the mother's) time of the month
B. She caught the daughter having sex with the Hispanic gardener
C. The daughter left wet clothes in the washer
D. The daughter touched a younger relative inappropriately with a red-hot poker
3. A Salt Lake City man was arrested after he raped his wife's friend because:
A. She was asking for it
B. She made fun of his grease-rows
C. He wanted to cure her lesbianism
D. She said she likes red-hot pokers
4. Skyler Wentworth is a worthless druggie who showed his love for his girlfriend by
A. Trading her to his dealer to cover a drug debt
B. Making her slang that mooseknuckle for drugs
C. Leaving her seriously injured in a wreck
D. Burning her with a red-hot poker
5. What did Uncle Speedy do to get in trouble during his brief stay in that deluxe apartmentin the sky on Community Street?
A. He did not pass Go, and did not collect $200
B. He shat on the floor repeatedly, even after being asked not to do so
C. Inappropriate touching of a little girl
D. Playing with a red-hot poker, even after being asked not to do so
6. What did Eduardo Moreno do to draw public attention to the Illuminati hospital ship that just docked in the Port of Los Angeles?
A. He started a Gofundme
B. He painted "ORANGE MAN BAD" in letters ten feet tall
C. He deliberately wrecked a fucking train
D. He ran amok with a red-hot poker
7. What did Ethan Gathright do to his girlfriend's 5-year-old daughter?
A. He raped her
B. He traded her to his dealer to cover a drug debt
C. He beat her to death
D. He burned her with a red-hot poker
8. Which condition is one of the many that Celia M. Lara-Licon's neglected daughter suffered from?
A. Perpetual masturbation syndrome (aka Helen Keller's disease)
B. Rickets
C. Kidney failure
D. Red-hot poker burns
9. What lie did Liu Nei Li and Zaiqiao Feng tell their 5-year-old daughter before copping a stroll?
A. Chairman Mao never squeezed the Charmin
B. Coronavirus, whoops, we didn't mean it
C. We're going to the store
D. They didn't say anything, they just burned her with a red-hot poker
10. Jake Sansom and Morris Cardinal went hunting and didn't come back. What were they hunting for?
A. Ain't nothin', but a good time
B. Jake's basset hound Buddy-Roo
C. Moose (the whole thing, not just the knuckle)
D. A red-hot pokin'
Pencils down! Pass your papers to the front. Don't forget that you have a 1000 word essay due Monday about what that little slut Krissy Henderson did, and why upstanding young citizens don't do that sort of thing.
Krissy, my office, NOW.
The rest of you are dismissed.
Every Friday, Ms. Cleary would make us play Current Events, and we had to supply the questions and answers for the game (ten of them from each one of us). I would spend most of my time trying to remember the answers to my questions, because I was usually really fucking high (I was a bad boy) and didn't want to look like it (we had to answer our questions if no one else got them). Memorizing my answers, and trying not to get called on, and fucking with one of my buddies without Ms. Cleary seeing me, like the time Rob was leaning back in his chair and I pushed it and it fell over and dumped him in the floor and all she saw was his dumb ass all sprawled out and he got a lecture about trying to be funny when he really, REALLY wasn't, was he? and I'm like "Yeah, Rob, some of us are trying to learn" and then he REALLY got laughed at.
I was a special kind of asshole when I was a kid.
So I hope you've been paying attention this week, because it's Current Events time, and this counts towards your final grade. And I'll see that bad girl in the back chewing gum in my office after class.
You have 20 minutes. No cheating.
1. A Pennsylvania private-duty nurse was arrested after injuring a severely disabled patient in his charge how?
A. He dropped her on her head
B. He put an oversized novelty catheter in the wrong hole repeatedly
C. He broke her leg while giving her unauthorized sexual therapy
D. He burned her with a red-hot poker
2. An Oklahoma mother was arrested for stabbing her daughter with a screwdriver and punching her in the face because
A. It was her (the mother's) time of the month
B. She caught the daughter having sex with the Hispanic gardener
C. The daughter left wet clothes in the washer
D. The daughter touched a younger relative inappropriately with a red-hot poker
3. A Salt Lake City man was arrested after he raped his wife's friend because:
A. She was asking for it
B. She made fun of his grease-rows
C. He wanted to cure her lesbianism
D. She said she likes red-hot pokers
4. Skyler Wentworth is a worthless druggie who showed his love for his girlfriend by
A. Trading her to his dealer to cover a drug debt
B. Making her slang that mooseknuckle for drugs
C. Leaving her seriously injured in a wreck
D. Burning her with a red-hot poker
5. What did Uncle Speedy do to get in trouble during his brief stay in that deluxe apartment
A. He did not pass Go, and did not collect $200
B. He shat on the floor repeatedly, even after being asked not to do so
C. Inappropriate touching of a little girl
D. Playing with a red-hot poker, even after being asked not to do so
6. What did Eduardo Moreno do to draw public attention to the Illuminati hospital ship that just docked in the Port of Los Angeles?
A. He started a Gofundme
B. He painted "ORANGE MAN BAD" in letters ten feet tall
C. He deliberately wrecked a fucking train
D. He ran amok with a red-hot poker
7. What did Ethan Gathright do to his girlfriend's 5-year-old daughter?
A. He raped her
B. He traded her to his dealer to cover a drug debt
C. He beat her to death
D. He burned her with a red-hot poker
8. Which condition is one of the many that Celia M. Lara-Licon's neglected daughter suffered from?
A. Perpetual masturbation syndrome (aka Helen Keller's disease)
B. Rickets
C. Kidney failure
D. Red-hot poker burns
9. What lie did Liu Nei Li and Zaiqiao Feng tell their 5-year-old daughter before copping a stroll?
A. Chairman Mao never squeezed the Charmin
B. Coronavirus, whoops, we didn't mean it
C. We're going to the store
D. They didn't say anything, they just burned her with a red-hot poker
10. Jake Sansom and Morris Cardinal went hunting and didn't come back. What were they hunting for?
A. Ain't nothin', but a good time
B. Jake's basset hound Buddy-Roo
C. Moose (the whole thing, not just the knuckle)
D. A red-hot pokin'
Pencils down! Pass your papers to the front. Don't forget that you have a 1000 word essay due Monday about what that little slut Krissy Henderson did, and why upstanding young citizens don't do that sort of thing.
Krissy, my office, NOW.
The rest of you are dismissed.
