The top ten most-read stories on the Front Page that were posted between last Sunday and yesterday are:
#1: 10-Year-Old Takoda Collins Was Kept Naked In An Attic, Subjected To Extreme Abuse And Rape
by @Sugar Cookie
#2: Rexburg PD: Mother, Stepfather "Persons of Interest" In Disappearance of Children
by @Sugar Cookie
#3: Mother Stabbed Toddler Son To Death After Being Tormented By Her Fiancé
by @Sugar Cookie
#4: Man Killed His 18-Day-Old Son To Stop Rumors He Was The Father
by @Sugar Cookie
#5: Woman Charged With Bias Crime After Harassing Food Cart Operator
by @Satanica
#6: Evidence Suggests Daughter, Brother, Father Died Christmas Eve By Being Sucked Into Pool Pump
by @Turd Fergusen
#7: 11-Year-Old Wisconsin Girl's Cell Phone Number Found On Escort Website
by @Satanica
#8: Germany: Teen Missing For Over 2 Years Found Alive In Closet Of Child Porn Suspect
by @Sugar Cookie
#9: Battle Creek Stepmother Charged With Child Abuse Of Twin Girls
by @Sugar Cookie
#10: Police Responding To A Reported Disturbance Find Severely Abused 4-Year-Old Girl
by @Sugar Cookie
Television show idea pitches that didn't make it:
1. "My Two Crackas": Profanity-fueled drugumentary, think Trailer Park Boys with an urban feel. Self-styled rastaman Al McLean and his two big shorties 'Manda and Jen-Jen stumble from one hilarious scenario to another, leaving everyone to wonder what they'll get up to next. Pilot episode: It's hard times, as the popo descend on Al's Crib and find out about all the time Lil T has been spending in the attic. 'Manda chokes on a bong, and an earth-shattering secret is revealed.
2. "Missing... With Children": A delicious modern send-up of the Fox classic "Married... with Children" that really flips the script! Starring Lori Vallow as a down-trodden working-class woman fighting to stay sane living with slobbish house-husband Chad Daybell and charming-but-devious kids Joshua and Tylee. The real twist? She's a manic messianic prepper! Her Lucy-esque survivalist schemes cause her to run afoul of everyone, especially neighbors Bill and Nancy, but her endearing catch-phrase "Don't have time! Gotta get ready!" brings the chuckles every time. Pilot episode: Lori hides money from her overtime at the shoe store to buy AK ammo, and Chad gets suspicious. Chad has Bill and Nancy over for dinner, and they all plot against Lori. Lori yells at Tylee for wearing a slutty outfit, and both the kids vanish. Part 1 of 2.
3. "Ride The Friendly Skies": A superficially charming, sociopathic Ted Bundy fuck-alike airline pilot dates a different stewardess every week. He has 168 hours in which to do as much psychological damage as possible, as we go along for the ride. His performance is reviewed by a distinguished panel of mental health professionals. Hosted by Kevin Spacey. Pilot episode: Budget airline pilot Peter Chilvers beds, browbeats and beratesstewardess flight attendant Magda Lesicka into a spectacular, homicidal breakdown. "She was an eight, his performance was a ten." -Kevin Spacey
4. "Who's Yo Daddy?": Maury Povich hosts this paternity-test-only spinoff of his eponymous talk show. Go beyond the studio and follow the contestants into their homes as we go documentary-style! Always lively, always raucous... always real. Incorporates In-Living-Color-style dance-and-hip-hop interludes and a mystery guest host every episode. Pilot episode: Ron "Deshawn" Turner finds out "you are the father!" to 13-year-old baby mama's baby, and the sparks fly as he smothers the baby, but not with love. Mystery guest host: OJ Simpson.
5. "Street Food With Sierra": Relatively-unknown-but-ironically-named host Sierra McDonald takes us on a culinary tour of hoods across the world, checking out street food, snack houses and soup kitchens in the dankest corners of the planet. Street-wise and savory-savvy, Sierra ain't havin' it if the grub's not good! Ratings range from "DAAAAAAAAMMMMMN!" to "Bitch, I'm gonna stab you!" Pilot episode: Sierra reviews the Mexican street pollo in Portland, and it's so bad, 5-0 has to get involved! Viewer discretion advised: heart attacks and halitosis spit.
6. "The D Files": This docudrama mashup joins the counterculture slant and offbeat story-telling of The X Files and the laugh-a-minute "thank god that idiot died" elation of the Darwin Awards. Tag-team narration by Michael Richards (Seinfeld) and Jack Webb (Dragnet), music by Boots Randolph (The Benny Hill Show). Host segment narration by David Duchovny (Tea For Two). Pilot episode: A swimming pool mishap wipes out half of a British family on holiday in Spain. The Darwin Twist? None of them could swim!
7. "867-5309": A fast-paced, montage-heavy look at "the bathroom wall" in a digital age. Where did it come from, where is it going, and why are grown men calling your eleven-year-old daughter for a "date"? Narrated by renowned sexual historian Doctor Ruth, with roundtable discussion by a rotating panel of experts. Pilot episode: A grown man finds an eleven-year-old girl's cell number on an escort service website and calls her for a date. Cameo appearance by Andrew Dice Clay.
8. "Der Schrankenboi": Laugh-a-minute sitcom featuring the topsy-turvy world of a German child pornographer and the teenage boy that lives in his closet; a bittersweet note from the poignancy of their forbidden love provides a continental flair and sophistication. Advanced humor intended for broadminded audiences. Subtitles in Estonian. Pilot episode: A Polizei raid tears the man and his closetboy apart, but their forbidden love endures as the Polizei trip all over each other in an homage to the Three Stooges.
9. "Din Do Nuffin": This is the game show where self-defending scalawags pit their wits against seasoned law enforcement professionals in a bid for freedom. "Din Do Nuffin" asks just one question: who can come up with the most audacious bullshit excuse for their nefarious shenanigans? Winners skate, losers hate. Pilot episode: Ashley Swartout smokes the competition with a stunning booger-tale: she didn't abuse her two little stepdaughters, it was her seizures! Will she skate, or will she hate?
10. "NC Neighbors": Who lives just down the road in the Down Home state? Find out as native North Carolinian Charlie Rose (60 Minutes) visits with our NC Neighbors, in a sit-down-a-spell that is as heartwarming as it is inspiring. Music by James Taylor. Pilot episode: Lenoir County Neighbors James Smith and Casey Wood invite us into their quaint home, serve up Casey's delicious Creamy Apple Crumb Cake, and explain why they love their daughter, and what exactly happened to her.
#1: 10-Year-Old Takoda Collins Was Kept Naked In An Attic, Subjected To Extreme Abuse And Rape
by @Sugar Cookie
#2: Rexburg PD: Mother, Stepfather "Persons of Interest" In Disappearance of Children
by @Sugar Cookie
#3: Mother Stabbed Toddler Son To Death After Being Tormented By Her Fiancé
by @Sugar Cookie
#4: Man Killed His 18-Day-Old Son To Stop Rumors He Was The Father
by @Sugar Cookie
#5: Woman Charged With Bias Crime After Harassing Food Cart Operator
by @Satanica
#6: Evidence Suggests Daughter, Brother, Father Died Christmas Eve By Being Sucked Into Pool Pump
by @Turd Fergusen
#7: 11-Year-Old Wisconsin Girl's Cell Phone Number Found On Escort Website
by @Satanica
#8: Germany: Teen Missing For Over 2 Years Found Alive In Closet Of Child Porn Suspect
by @Sugar Cookie
#9: Battle Creek Stepmother Charged With Child Abuse Of Twin Girls
by @Sugar Cookie
#10: Police Responding To A Reported Disturbance Find Severely Abused 4-Year-Old Girl
by @Sugar Cookie
Television show idea pitches that didn't make it:
1. "My Two Crackas": Profanity-fueled drugumentary, think Trailer Park Boys with an urban feel. Self-styled rastaman Al McLean and his two big shorties 'Manda and Jen-Jen stumble from one hilarious scenario to another, leaving everyone to wonder what they'll get up to next. Pilot episode: It's hard times, as the popo descend on Al's Crib and find out about all the time Lil T has been spending in the attic. 'Manda chokes on a bong, and an earth-shattering secret is revealed.
2. "Missing... With Children": A delicious modern send-up of the Fox classic "Married... with Children" that really flips the script! Starring Lori Vallow as a down-trodden working-class woman fighting to stay sane living with slobbish house-husband Chad Daybell and charming-but-devious kids Joshua and Tylee. The real twist? She's a manic messianic prepper! Her Lucy-esque survivalist schemes cause her to run afoul of everyone, especially neighbors Bill and Nancy, but her endearing catch-phrase "Don't have time! Gotta get ready!" brings the chuckles every time. Pilot episode: Lori hides money from her overtime at the shoe store to buy AK ammo, and Chad gets suspicious. Chad has Bill and Nancy over for dinner, and they all plot against Lori. Lori yells at Tylee for wearing a slutty outfit, and both the kids vanish. Part 1 of 2.
3. "Ride The Friendly Skies": A superficially charming, sociopathic Ted Bundy fuck-alike airline pilot dates a different stewardess every week. He has 168 hours in which to do as much psychological damage as possible, as we go along for the ride. His performance is reviewed by a distinguished panel of mental health professionals. Hosted by Kevin Spacey. Pilot episode: Budget airline pilot Peter Chilvers beds, browbeats and berates
4. "Who's Yo Daddy?": Maury Povich hosts this paternity-test-only spinoff of his eponymous talk show. Go beyond the studio and follow the contestants into their homes as we go documentary-style! Always lively, always raucous... always real. Incorporates In-Living-Color-style dance-and-hip-hop interludes and a mystery guest host every episode. Pilot episode: Ron "Deshawn" Turner finds out "you are the father!" to 13-year-old baby mama's baby, and the sparks fly as he smothers the baby, but not with love. Mystery guest host: OJ Simpson.
5. "Street Food With Sierra": Relatively-unknown-but-ironically-named host Sierra McDonald takes us on a culinary tour of hoods across the world, checking out street food, snack houses and soup kitchens in the dankest corners of the planet. Street-wise and savory-savvy, Sierra ain't havin' it if the grub's not good! Ratings range from "DAAAAAAAAMMMMMN!" to "Bitch, I'm gonna stab you!" Pilot episode: Sierra reviews the Mexican street pollo in Portland, and it's so bad, 5-0 has to get involved! Viewer discretion advised: heart attacks and halitosis spit.
6. "The D Files": This docudrama mashup joins the counterculture slant and offbeat story-telling of The X Files and the laugh-a-minute "thank god that idiot died" elation of the Darwin Awards. Tag-team narration by Michael Richards (Seinfeld) and Jack Webb (Dragnet), music by Boots Randolph (The Benny Hill Show). Host segment narration by David Duchovny (Tea For Two). Pilot episode: A swimming pool mishap wipes out half of a British family on holiday in Spain. The Darwin Twist? None of them could swim!
7. "867-5309": A fast-paced, montage-heavy look at "the bathroom wall" in a digital age. Where did it come from, where is it going, and why are grown men calling your eleven-year-old daughter for a "date"? Narrated by renowned sexual historian Doctor Ruth, with roundtable discussion by a rotating panel of experts. Pilot episode: A grown man finds an eleven-year-old girl's cell number on an escort service website and calls her for a date. Cameo appearance by Andrew Dice Clay.
8. "Der Schrankenboi": Laugh-a-minute sitcom featuring the topsy-turvy world of a German child pornographer and the teenage boy that lives in his closet; a bittersweet note from the poignancy of their forbidden love provides a continental flair and sophistication. Advanced humor intended for broadminded audiences. Subtitles in Estonian. Pilot episode: A Polizei raid tears the man and his closetboy apart, but their forbidden love endures as the Polizei trip all over each other in an homage to the Three Stooges.
9. "Din Do Nuffin": This is the game show where self-defending scalawags pit their wits against seasoned law enforcement professionals in a bid for freedom. "Din Do Nuffin" asks just one question: who can come up with the most audacious bullshit excuse for their nefarious shenanigans? Winners skate, losers hate. Pilot episode: Ashley Swartout smokes the competition with a stunning booger-tale: she didn't abuse her two little stepdaughters, it was her seizures! Will she skate, or will she hate?
10. "NC Neighbors": Who lives just down the road in the Down Home state? Find out as native North Carolinian Charlie Rose (60 Minutes) visits with our NC Neighbors, in a sit-down-a-spell that is as heartwarming as it is inspiring. Music by James Taylor. Pilot episode: Lenoir County Neighbors James Smith and Casey Wood invite us into their quaint home, serve up Casey's delicious Creamy Apple Crumb Cake, and explain why they love their daughter, and what exactly happened to her.
