Sports Symmachus, Vol. 2 No. 7
These shoes are worth a... pretty penny, indeed. The perp has to learn the... hard-a-way... that stealing is bad.
www.cbssports.com
Note: Pertaining to Kyle Boone, the author of the CBS article, I have collected strong proof... of proofreading negligence! I must therefore send my grammar police after him...
...and issue another citation.
First off, yes, I invented an entire new word to make the headline work. Deal with it.
Upon the conclusion of our Pyrrhic warfare, an end only possible by the chiming emergence of swans; I hope that you devour, with great quantities and against your consent, the spoils of my exposed assassination. Such ends bound as one, interchanged at Armageddon's dawn, a supper as final as is inhumane. Your dying breaths smothered by futile tastes of my glorious and bombastic netherworld, as you depart into your own netherworld as a most ignominiously disposed horizon.
But onto the story at hand: who would want to go to a home of this completely random former NBA player such as Penny Hardaway (real name: Anfernee Hardaway) and steal his shoes? Who the hell does that? Why not aim high and go for Joel Embiid's shoes?
Or, perhaps, start small by stealing shoes from the homes of third-stringers who never went anywhere in the NBA, such as Ryan Humphrey or Curtis Borchardt or Bruno Caboclo; then work your way up to stealing shoes of slightly more relevant talent such as Shaun Livingston or TJ McConnell; with the eventual goal of giving yourself a five-finger discount to LeBron's foot bling! So, why Penny Hardaway?
Contrarian interpretation: the shoe thief has a big heart and massive empathy for Penny. The thief took those shoes as a very thoughtful gesture, because he really looks up to Penny and wants to model his own life after Hardaway's. Therefore, the thief sought to walk a mile in Penny's shoes. All 26 of them.
Did he want to walk one mile with all 26 pairs shoes, changing the pairs every 200 feet; or would he walk one mile per pair, totaling 26 miles? That is literally a marathon! Truly a virtuous gesture to steal from the rich to enrich oneself with the lived podiatric experience of the said rich. So touching to pine for someone's wisdom and sagacity in such a way.
But here's another issue with stealing shoes from basketball players, former or present: basketball players, being larger than the average person, likewise have larger feet. Therefore, an average-sized person stealing shoes from a basketball player, especially a 7-footer whose shoes could possibly fit some people's entire forearms, would not be able to put the shoes on in the intended fashion.
Maybe they get around it by simply being a sneaker-head. The shoes just stay on a shelf. Kind of weird to not wear most of them, but I get it, from the standpoint of being a collector myself. (I don't collect shoes, but I have multiple collection, my magnum opus of which is my CD collection. By now, I may have reached 1,000 CDs in the roughly two decades I've collected those.)
Last, but not least: another former NBA player Ray Allen was literally GIVING AWAY his sneakers a few years back. Through some treasure hunt thing. I'm not sure if he is still doing it, but that would've been a golden opportunity for porch pirate Ronald James to get free sneakers from an NBA player in an ethical fashion. C'mon Ronald, you had your chance!
Conclusion: If LeBron James is the basketball GOAT; then the not-related Ronald James, who may or may not be guilty of stealing shoes from Penny Hardaway, is the basketball goat-ass.
Ronald James: Griftiest Of All Trash
These shoes are worth a... pretty penny, indeed. The perp has to learn the... hard-a-way... that stealing is bad.
Man arrested, charged with stealing 26 pairs of shoes from Penny Hardaway's home in Memphis
Thousands of dollars worth of shoes were stolen from Hardaway's home this month
www.cbssports.com
Note: Pertaining to Kyle Boone, the author of the CBS article, I have collected strong proof... of proofreading negligence! I must therefore send my grammar police after him...
...and issue another citation.
Porch pirate preys on Penny Hardaway, makes off with cases of exclusive Nike Foamposites
Memphis basketball coach Penny Hardaway had cases of exclusive Nike Foamposites stolen off his porch earlier this month, according to Memphis Police.
www.commercialappeal.com
First off, yes, I invented an entire new word to make the headline work. Deal with it.
Upon the conclusion of our Pyrrhic warfare, an end only possible by the chiming emergence of swans; I hope that you devour, with great quantities and against your consent, the spoils of my exposed assassination. Such ends bound as one, interchanged at Armageddon's dawn, a supper as final as is inhumane. Your dying breaths smothered by futile tastes of my glorious and bombastic netherworld, as you depart into your own netherworld as a most ignominiously disposed horizon.
But onto the story at hand: who would want to go to a home of this completely random former NBA player such as Penny Hardaway (real name: Anfernee Hardaway) and steal his shoes? Who the hell does that? Why not aim high and go for Joel Embiid's shoes?
Or, perhaps, start small by stealing shoes from the homes of third-stringers who never went anywhere in the NBA, such as Ryan Humphrey or Curtis Borchardt or Bruno Caboclo; then work your way up to stealing shoes of slightly more relevant talent such as Shaun Livingston or TJ McConnell; with the eventual goal of giving yourself a five-finger discount to LeBron's foot bling! So, why Penny Hardaway?
Contrarian interpretation: the shoe thief has a big heart and massive empathy for Penny. The thief took those shoes as a very thoughtful gesture, because he really looks up to Penny and wants to model his own life after Hardaway's. Therefore, the thief sought to walk a mile in Penny's shoes. All 26 of them.
Did he want to walk one mile with all 26 pairs shoes, changing the pairs every 200 feet; or would he walk one mile per pair, totaling 26 miles? That is literally a marathon! Truly a virtuous gesture to steal from the rich to enrich oneself with the lived podiatric experience of the said rich. So touching to pine for someone's wisdom and sagacity in such a way.
But here's another issue with stealing shoes from basketball players, former or present: basketball players, being larger than the average person, likewise have larger feet. Therefore, an average-sized person stealing shoes from a basketball player, especially a 7-footer whose shoes could possibly fit some people's entire forearms, would not be able to put the shoes on in the intended fashion.
Maybe they get around it by simply being a sneaker-head. The shoes just stay on a shelf. Kind of weird to not wear most of them, but I get it, from the standpoint of being a collector myself. (I don't collect shoes, but I have multiple collection, my magnum opus of which is my CD collection. By now, I may have reached 1,000 CDs in the roughly two decades I've collected those.)
Last, but not least: another former NBA player Ray Allen was literally GIVING AWAY his sneakers a few years back. Through some treasure hunt thing. I'm not sure if he is still doing it, but that would've been a golden opportunity for porch pirate Ronald James to get free sneakers from an NBA player in an ethical fashion. C'mon Ronald, you had your chance!
Conclusion: If LeBron James is the basketball GOAT; then the not-related Ronald James, who may or may not be guilty of stealing shoes from Penny Hardaway, is the basketball goat-ass.
Ronald James: Griftiest Of All Trash
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