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Distasteful Jokes

How do you get a baby to crawl in a circle?
Nail one of it's hands to the floor
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
The grip
what do you get when you put a baby in a box full of razor blades and kick it down a flight of stairs?
an erection.

A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, “Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?”
The little boy replies, “Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I’ll come in your mouth!”
 
Jenny's father woke up and looked out of the window, and saw that Jenny's boyfriend had peed his name into the snow on the front lawn the previous evening. So he decided to speak to her about it.

"Jenny, your boyfriend appears to have used his pee to write his name in the snow on our front lawn."

"I know dad, but he's just a young guy who was having a bit of fun after some drinks."

"Yes, but what concerns me is that it's in your hand-writing!"
 
A small aircraft flying acoss the Atlantic has four passengers on board - a Mexican, an American, a Briton, and a Frenchman. In mid-ocean it suffers near catastrophic engine failure with only one engine still working, and begins to lose altitude. The aircraft is too heavy for it's one engine to maintain altitude. So luggage and everything not bolted down is thrown out.

But the plane is still losing altitude.

So in an act of great selflessness, the Frenchman shouts "Vive la France" and jumps to his death in an effort to save the other three.

But the plane is still losing altitude. So the Briton shouts, "God save the Queen" and leaps out too.

But the plane is STILL losing altitude.

So the American shouts, "Remember the Alamo", and throws the Mexican out.
 
What's the best come back when a man tells you to make him a sandwich?

Come back with a sandwich..
 
How do you get a one-armed newfie out of a tree? Wave

How do you get two one-armed newfies out of a tree? Bring a friend

What do you call a Newfie with half a brain? Gifted

How do you tell a Newfie submarine from the others? Screen Doors

How do asians name their children? Shove a metal spoon up their ass and kick em down the stairs "Ching, Chang, Chong!"

A Newfie, An African and an Indian are robbing a house as a team. They are in the middle of burglarizing a house when they hear a crash and a gun cock while the home owner shouts "Who is there? I'll shoot!" In a panic they all run down to the basement to hide.

Once down there, they discover three potato sacks and each climb in one. The owner makes his way to the basement where he spots these three potato sacks. He gives the first one a whack with the rifle, the African says "Meoooowwww" and the owner says, "oh must just be the cat." He gets to the one with the Indian in it and gives it a small tap. "Wooof Woof" says the Indian. "Sorry Spot!" says the owner... Now the Newfie is panicking because he knows he's next. The man with the rifle pats the final remaining potato sack and the Newfie confidently exclaims "Potato!"

Last year during the hottest day of the year, I was parched an needed a soda. I get to the soda machine and there's this lineup like I've never seen before. This blonde is at the front of the line and she's got a whole box almost filled up with cans of soda. Yet there she goes, puts her dollar in takes the soda, puts it in the box and reaches for another dollar. This continues to go on for another five or six times when I just lose my shit. I approach her and say, "okay we are all dying of thirst here, how about you let us have a turn?" Right on cue she casually replies "Not now, I'm still winning!":facepalm:

What do you call a bench full of white people? The NBA.

How many Newfies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100 001.1 to hold the light bulb and 100 000 to spin the house.

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? When on their back they are both fucked.

So a woman comes home one day after work and proudly exclaims to her husband "Honey Pack your bags I just won the lottery!" The husband excitedly asks "That's great! Should I pack for the beaches or the mountains?" The wife shoots back "I don't care, just get the fuck out!"

A man and his wife are going for a joy ride in his Corvette when she decides to bring up the fact that she is planning on Divorcing him. The car starts to speed up a bit. "I want the kids, the dog, the house..." Car starts to get a little bit faster as the husband is clearly becoming agitated. "I want the beach house, I want Alimony, child support and I'm keeping the engagement ring." The husband still hasn't said anything yet just continues racing along the high way at unsafe speeds. "Well aren't you going to say anything?" she asks. He calmly replies "That's okay honey I have everything I need." Being the smart ass that she's been the entire marriage she replies "Oh yeah what's that?". "The air bag" he says right before veering into a wall.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. It starts with two hearts and a diamond. By the time it's over you will be wishing you had a club and a spade.
 
I was out driving my Corvette the other day when I notice flashing cherries in the rear view... I start to slow down, then something in me just completely snaps I hit the gas and I start flying while the cruiser begins to pursue me. The chase continues for only a couple of minutes before I snap to my senses and pull over.

The cop comes up to the window and I roll it down. "What the hell was that?" he asked. "I d-d-on't.."
before I could finish he chimes in "I'll tell you what, I've had a long day, I'm about to get off now and I don't want to be stuck doing any paperwork, if you can come up with something original, I'll let you off with a warning."

I think for a moment before taking a shot "Well my wife just left me for a cop a couple months ago and I thought you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice day!"
 
Everybody knows that Ghandi was an ascetic; he walked barefoot everywhere, even though he was in poor health. Also, he was a strict vegan...which also gave him horrible bad breath. I guess you could say he was a super fragile, calloused mystic hexed by halitosis!. :crack:

Puns are verbal instruments of torture.:happy:
 
Q: What's the difference between jews and boyscouts?
A: Boyscouts come home from camp.

Q: What does spinach and anal sex have in common?
A: If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

You're walking through the forest when you stumble across a dead naked woman, what do you do?
Check the map because clearly you're walking in circles.

I know this awesome joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.

Man walks into Planned Parenthood and says to the doctor, "I want to get some birth control for my daughter."
"How old is your daughter?" asks the doctor.
"Eleven."
"Uh. Is your daughter sexually active?"
"Nah, she just sort of lays there and cries."

Q: What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
A: Fitting in.

Man Lying in bed after having sex with his Thai wife. She keeps stroking his cock. He says, do you like my cock that much? She says, "No I just miss mine."

I called the Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
 
I have a white trash joke!

Bessie Mae is settin' on her front porch eating an apple pie. Unfortunately, Bessie Mae has her legs propped on the railing and NO PANTIES! Her neighbor is horrified and yells, "Bessie, why the hell are you showing your lady business to the whole neighborhood?" Bessie yells back, " It keeps the flies off my apple pie!"
 
A man and his son are having a conversation. The man tells his son that he is old enough now that he should find himself a good girl, make her his wife, and settle down.

The boy finds a girl he likes and brings her home to meet his dad. He tells him "Dad, i think i found the one i want to marry." The dad asks where she is and the son says she's inside on the couch. The dad walks in acting like he is getting a drink of water, sees the girl, and runs back to his son quickly and says "No no no son, you can't marry that girl. That girl's your sister. But your mama don't know it."

A couple weeks later the boy comes back with another girl. Tells his father "i really like this girl, dad. I think i wanna marry her." The father asks where is she and the boy says she's inside on the couch. The dad walks inside acting like he doesn't notice her, then runs quickly back to his son and says "Oh No no no son, you can't marry that girl. That girl's your sister, but your mama don't know it.

A few weeks go by and the boy is sitting with his mother. His mother asks "Son, what happen to those girls you were seeing, i liked them both! Why didn't you want to marry one of them?" The boy says "Dad told me i cpuldn't marry them and that both of those girls were my sisters, but that you didn't know it." The mom just laughed and said "Son, you marry either one of those girls if you want, cause he ain't your daddy, but he don't know it!"
 
In the UK we used to have loads of politically incorrect jokes at the expense of the Irish. Political correctness has banished these from the public domain now. But this one was typical.....

An Irishman actually invented the toilet. But an Englishman improved it by making a hole in the seat.

Sadly, can't remember any better ones right now.

While I am here, I once read a book about interesting or amusing grafitti. Back then the cold war was still going on and we all still lived in fear of nuclear armageddon, so this little piece of amusing graffiti kind of struck a chord.....

In case of nuclear attack:-
1. Put your hands over your ears.
2. Put your head between your legs
3. Kiss your ass goodbye
 
A man in Ontario goes to the doctor and tells him he wants to be a Newfie. After determining that the man was serious the doctor reluctantly agrees.

The doctor tells him that in order to make him a Newfie, they'll need to remove half his brain. The patient gives the go ahead and he goes in for the procedure.

During surgery, the doctor slips and accidentally removes two thirds of the brain. Feeling terrible, he waits for the patient to wake up, and profusely apologizes to him, explaining his error.

The man looks up and replies, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
 
Why are black people so good at winning races that involve running?

Because they get a lot of practice running like fuck whenever a gun is fired
 
How did the hill billy find his sister in the woods? Ughh pretty good!

How do you circumcise a hill billy? Kick his sister in the jaw

How do you know its a hillbilly wedding? They are all on the same side of the church.

Two potatoes are on the street corner, how do you know which one is the prostitute. ? The one with the "IDAHO" sticker on it.

What is the difference between a bmw and a porcupine? On a Porcupine the pricks are on the outside
 
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Willy from school and go get dinner.”
 
A man kills a deer and brings it home to cook for dinner. He and his wife decide not to tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but they'll give the kids a clue to guess what it is. Dad says, well, it's what Mommy calls me sometimes. Little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"
 
@Jessiesgirl1108, those are my favorite kind of jokes, the ones you know you shouldn't laugh at, but can't help but giggle. Those, and the childish, corny ones. My contributions:
A pedophile and a small boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy keeps hearing strange noises and says “ Man, it sure is creepy out here.” The pedophile says “ How do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone?!”

@HagarTheHorrible, my awful racist jokes that I heard as a child:
How do you stop a black child from jumping on the bed? Put Velcro on the ceiling.

Why did more blacks die during Vietnam than whites?
Because when someone yelled GET DOWN they all got up & danced.

Did you hear about that black guy that died on the Interstate?
He stuck his head out of the window and his lips beat him to death.

I feel awful just typing those....
 
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.'
 
I'm sorry for this one ...

What's the difference between a priest and acne ...
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
 
2 soldiers fighting in Vietnam are on watch at 1am. One says the the other I gotta take a shit. I'll be right back. He runs off. 4am rolls around and the soldier jumps back in the foxhole and his buddy says where the fuck have you been I killed 2 vc with my bare hands while you were gone. His buddy says well when I went back to shit I ran into a good lookin little vc bitch and she gave the best fucking head I've ever had. Other guy says Really? How was her pussy? Buddy says Beats the fuck out a me only part I could find was her fucking head.
 
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