The top ten most-read stories on the Front Page that were posted between last Sunday and yesterday are:
#1: Dad On The Run After Beating Kids, Ages 2 & 4, With Metal Baseball Bats, Belts & Boards
by @Sugar Cookie
#2: Man Posted Internet Ad Looking For Someone To Rape A Child
by @Sugar Cookie
#3: Houston Man Accused Of Trying To Get Wrinkles Out Of Child With Iron
by @Sugar Cookie
#4: Couple Convinced Mother To Let Them Borrow Her 3-Year-Old; Boy Sexually Tortured
by @Sugar Cookie
#5: "Unrestorable": Woman Accused Of Trying To Abduct 2 Children From Store Cannot Stand Trial
by @Sugar Cookie
#6: Woman Busted For Explicit Jail "Virtual Visit", Engaged In Lewd Acts In Front Of Young Boy
by @Turd Fergusen
#7: Man Charged With Killing Woman During Sex
by @crys_xoxo
#8: 4-Month-Old Partying At The Motel 6 Had Amphetamine, Marijuana & Methamphetamine In Their System
by @Sugar Cookie
#9: Dad Tosses 1-year-old Daughter From A Cliff, Killing Her; Stabs Bystander Who Tried To Save Her
by @Sugar Cookie
#10: Children Of Mother With A Dead 2-year-old Say There Were Whooped Until They Bled
by @Sugar Cookie
Kids. Huh! Yeah! What are they good for?
Absolutely nothin' say it again! Apparently, a hell of a lot, to judge by this week's Top Ten.
If you're a manchild like Jeremy Showman, you can use them to beat on. A belt, scraps of wood, a baseball bat, whatever you have handy; no special equipment needed. Whatever life has thrown at your sorry, worthless ass: beat the shit out of a kid and you'll feel better. And if one of them dies, well shit, that's why you had three, isn't it? Just whoop 'em 'til they bleed, like Ashley Brown's family does, and make another one if you need to.
Receptacles for the seminal oozings of the sexually depraved is another seemingly popular use for kids. In fact, there seems to be something magical about that young pink stuff; pedos like "Big" Bob Hodge will crawl butt nekkid through a perfectly good whorehouse just to roll the dice for a chance to batter a kid up good with their impotent, insipid joy juice, knowing full well that most of the "available" kids out there are actually cops living out some brash fantasy. Other kiddie-fiddlers, like Marcos Ramirez, are more savvy, trolling homeless shelters for down-and-out moms from whom to "borrow" toddlers to torture with their toddler-sized equipment.
And even if you don't directly involve kids in your sexual shenanigans, some people like to use them as spotters, to provide an unbiased, fresh perspective on the relative merit of their prurient performances. Like Noelle Rascati and Tathan Fields, who used Rascati's son as a critical witness to a jailhouse mutual masturbation session, gaining valuable new insights that helped them fine-tune Mom's flick frequency to compensate for Fields' frequent short-strokes (caused by his hand repeatedly slipping off the end).
If you're tired of partying with your balding wife, and you have no friends to party with because you've got clown makeup tattooed on your face, like Alexander Gonzalez, your toddler can be the ultimate party buddy. They're down with the sickness, they always let you roll doubles on the methpipe, and they won't bogart the joint. And best of all, if they test positive, they can't rat you out; all they can do is point and cry, and let's see that stand up in court.
Then there's the sheer entertainment factor kids provide. It's Friday? You ain't got no job? You ain't got shit to do? Roll up a blunt, get high as a motherfucker, find you a baby and iron that motherfucker smooth. You'll go nuts tryina get all those wrinkles out that little motherfucker. It's wild, man... just ask Dylan Johnson. He's the king of that shit. He ain't but five-four but he can iron the fuck out of a baby! Or you can use them for bean-bag toss like Adam Slater does; it's a game that will keep Baby Mama occupied for hours (just look out for those long drops).
And sometimes, frankly, it's nothing more than the allure of the latest kitchen gadget or shiny limited-edition collectible bauble that you really want, but don't need, and you don't even know why you want it, but you do. Like Patricia Metz, who tried to snatch kids from a Target store not once, but twice, and when they asked her "why?" all she said was "unga-bunga" or some shit, because now she's downed for life (sorta) as "unrestorable", which sounds like a bad hard-drive backup but really means "we'll let you back out to snatch more kids in a few years".
Kids: good God y'all.
#1: Dad On The Run After Beating Kids, Ages 2 & 4, With Metal Baseball Bats, Belts & Boards
by @Sugar Cookie
#2: Man Posted Internet Ad Looking For Someone To Rape A Child
by @Sugar Cookie
#3: Houston Man Accused Of Trying To Get Wrinkles Out Of Child With Iron
by @Sugar Cookie
#4: Couple Convinced Mother To Let Them Borrow Her 3-Year-Old; Boy Sexually Tortured
by @Sugar Cookie
#5: "Unrestorable": Woman Accused Of Trying To Abduct 2 Children From Store Cannot Stand Trial
by @Sugar Cookie
#6: Woman Busted For Explicit Jail "Virtual Visit", Engaged In Lewd Acts In Front Of Young Boy
by @Turd Fergusen
#7: Man Charged With Killing Woman During Sex
by @crys_xoxo
#8: 4-Month-Old Partying At The Motel 6 Had Amphetamine, Marijuana & Methamphetamine In Their System
by @Sugar Cookie
#9: Dad Tosses 1-year-old Daughter From A Cliff, Killing Her; Stabs Bystander Who Tried To Save Her
by @Sugar Cookie
#10: Children Of Mother With A Dead 2-year-old Say There Were Whooped Until They Bled
by @Sugar Cookie
Kids. Huh! Yeah! What are they good for?
If you're a manchild like Jeremy Showman, you can use them to beat on. A belt, scraps of wood, a baseball bat, whatever you have handy; no special equipment needed. Whatever life has thrown at your sorry, worthless ass: beat the shit out of a kid and you'll feel better. And if one of them dies, well shit, that's why you had three, isn't it? Just whoop 'em 'til they bleed, like Ashley Brown's family does, and make another one if you need to.
Receptacles for the seminal oozings of the sexually depraved is another seemingly popular use for kids. In fact, there seems to be something magical about that young pink stuff; pedos like "Big" Bob Hodge will crawl butt nekkid through a perfectly good whorehouse just to roll the dice for a chance to batter a kid up good with their impotent, insipid joy juice, knowing full well that most of the "available" kids out there are actually cops living out some brash fantasy. Other kiddie-fiddlers, like Marcos Ramirez, are more savvy, trolling homeless shelters for down-and-out moms from whom to "borrow" toddlers to torture with their toddler-sized equipment.
And even if you don't directly involve kids in your sexual shenanigans, some people like to use them as spotters, to provide an unbiased, fresh perspective on the relative merit of their prurient performances. Like Noelle Rascati and Tathan Fields, who used Rascati's son as a critical witness to a jailhouse mutual masturbation session, gaining valuable new insights that helped them fine-tune Mom's flick frequency to compensate for Fields' frequent short-strokes (caused by his hand repeatedly slipping off the end).
If you're tired of partying with your balding wife, and you have no friends to party with because you've got clown makeup tattooed on your face, like Alexander Gonzalez, your toddler can be the ultimate party buddy. They're down with the sickness, they always let you roll doubles on the methpipe, and they won't bogart the joint. And best of all, if they test positive, they can't rat you out; all they can do is point and cry, and let's see that stand up in court.
Then there's the sheer entertainment factor kids provide. It's Friday? You ain't got no job? You ain't got shit to do? Roll up a blunt, get high as a motherfucker, find you a baby and iron that motherfucker smooth. You'll go nuts tryina get all those wrinkles out that little motherfucker. It's wild, man... just ask Dylan Johnson. He's the king of that shit. He ain't but five-four but he can iron the fuck out of a baby! Or you can use them for bean-bag toss like Adam Slater does; it's a game that will keep Baby Mama occupied for hours (just look out for those long drops).
And sometimes, frankly, it's nothing more than the allure of the latest kitchen gadget or shiny limited-edition collectible bauble that you really want, but don't need, and you don't even know why you want it, but you do. Like Patricia Metz, who tried to snatch kids from a Target store not once, but twice, and when they asked her "why?" all she said was "unga-bunga" or some shit, because now she's downed for life (sorta) as "unrestorable", which sounds like a bad hard-drive backup but really means "we'll let you back out to snatch more kids in a few years".
Kids: good God y'all.
