Hoo-boy, does this story give me so much material or what?
I remember hearing about Chance Comanche before this happened, due to my following of basketball. (Also, his name is pretty distinctive and memorable.) He played 21 minutes of a single game for the Portland Trail Blazers in 2022-23, the final game of the season, where he scored seven points, three rebounds, and a block. They faced off against the Golden State Warriors, whose team was fully staffed and using their tried and true Curry-Thompson-Green-Looney quartet, hoping to secure a playoff position and escape needing to participate in the play-in round. Meanwhile, the Blazers were in the "*hands raised in frustration* I give up, whatever" phase, and were prioritizing giving NBA experience to G League players and benchwarmers; whereas, the team's playoff hopes were dashed by this point. Their star player Damian Lillard had, for a while now, been shut down for the season after playing only 58 games, and it turned out that he had already played his final game for the Blazers before eventually getting traded to the Milwaukee Bucks. (Side note: the word "Bucks" at the end of that sentence has a zigzag red underline. What the hell is that all about? Somehow, the second iteration of the word, inside this parenthetical passage, doesn't have that, even though both are spelled the same way and the correct way.)
The result of the game was that the Trail Blazers
lost by 56 points! That is the
second worst loss in Blazers franchise history, as well as
tied for 13th worst loss in NBA history. And the Warriors made it into the Western Conference's sixth place, barely moving past the need to do a play-in game.
Also, Comanche is among the likes of Slavko Vranes, Carl Bailey, and Bill Stricker as NBA players whose entire career consisted of one game for the Trail Blazers.
Not only that, but in the aforementioned 56-point blowout, 11% of all Trail Blazers who played in that game have been charged with murder. Okay, sure, only nine Blazers played in that game, and Comanche is the only one of those nine to have this legal trouble, but one ninth of any sample of people being credibly accused of murder is an extremely high percentage if it is not in a prison context or other context involving violent felons.
I do not want it to be lost on us that a lovely woman is tragically deceased when she should not be. And was disrespectfully dumped in the desert. Those dogs miss their human mother. Her family and friends miss her horribly, and want her to be here. And the 19-year-old woman in the mugshot looks chillingly evil. Her eyes look vacuous, demented, and indifferent. As if she is saying, "Yeah, I may have killed her, I may not have. So? Y'all be wasting my time."
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But part of me wishes that Sergio Leone or someone like that would've come up with a character named Chance Comanche in one of those Spaghetti Westerns. It's just a name meant for a villain in a western movie, although our lumbering, fake-mustached hooper creep of the hour is now a real-life western villain, alongside the aforementioned dead-eyed sidekick. But now it's a fact that those movie people definitely missed their Chance.
Wouldn't it have been great to see Clint Eastwood walk up to a hypothetical Chance Comanche character in a scowl-filled stare-down so that they could duke it out to see who the best shooter is in the west?
That also means two things!
I have also heard that Stockton, California is
a depressing place to live. Or can be, I guess. Which brings a question to mind: why does Stockton, California have a minor league basketball team? Answer: because the NBA gave Stockton an assist.
"Leave me out of this, you insensitive slimeball!"
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Anyways, one development here is pretty grisly. It looks like Last Chance Buffoon is singing like a canary about what he and Scowl-puff Girl did that day.
Former Sacramento Kings G League player Chance Comanche has reportedly confessed to his role in the murder of a woman in Las Vegas.
www.yahoo.com
An HDMI cord and Harnden's bare hands double-choking the woman. Holy crap, that's an especially violent way to kill someone.
And, from a basketball standpoint, Comanche played in three games for the G League's Stockton Kings after allegedly murdering a woman brutally. What are his teammates thinking about the situation, knowing they played alongside him? What do players of the opposing teams think about having played against a murderer? What do the fans who remembered observing Chance think about the games they saw now that this information is out?
Chance has appeared in court on December 19, and is due within 30 days to be extradited to Las Vegas.
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But I do feel that I must reassure you about something, reader. Because of the fact that Chance Not the Rapper and Broodhilda von Shawty* have an overabundance of terrible hair, please do not instinctually respond by gouging out or pouring bleach on your eyes. Please don't do that. Because beautiful hair still exists, and you need your eyes to observe it and perhaps wish to emulate it someday. Below are pictures of WNBA players Candace Parker, Rae Burrell, Rebecca Allen, and Nneka Ogwumike, respectively, sporting excellent hair. (EDIT: I know I've done a similar post in the past, but that one had a different emphasis.)
Eh, what the hell? Joakim Noah works too.
Yes, all very good examples of hair done right. They're good palate cleansers from the visual trauma inflicted on all of us by all those tentacle-like braids cropping out of Chance's head for no legitimate reason. And the existence of excellent hair is why you should not pursue a Salvador Dalliance into slicing your eyes open.
You all better believe that I'm going to follow the hell out of this story as it develops!!!!!!
*Her friends refer to her using the nickname of A.O. Shawty. She is completely chill about men randomly blurting out the phrase to her. Chance did that once, hence how she ended up with a Chance-in-Her-Pants. I may recycle the phrase "A.O. Shawty" for a future post, because I have a specific other person in mind for that.