Naked Buffalo Bills Fan Embarks on Impromptu Navigation of Someone's Excrement-Filled Hole

[Symmachus]

No, not like that, you guys! (Although it's not much better than what you are initially thinking.)

Okay, now I'm starting the article.

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An unidentified football fan who was naked and "covered in human excrement" was discovered in a construction site hole near the Buffalo Bills home opener on Sunday. The extent of his injuries was a cut on his forehead, according to WBEN.

Bills Mafia is well-regarded as one of the greatest American... [MY EDIT: This part is a bunch of cruft about how great and passionate football fans are, or something irrelevant like that. Yippee! But let's get onto the actually interesting stuff, which is the reason why you, the reader, clicked on this thread.]

The unnamed fan is a 29-year-old male, who jumped over a fence by the stadium construction site on the west side of Highmark Stadium. He fell 30-40 feet and sustained only a cut on his forehead. But wait, there's more.

The fan was naked and covered in human excrement he had found in an on-site porta potty, a double whammy. As you can probably assume, he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol, a combo of LSD, cocaine, and marijuana.

Once the rescue team arrived on scene, it took approximately 20 minutes to get the fan out of the hole and to Erie County Medical Center, where he was treated for a short time before being transferred to Buffalo General. There was no mention of how long the man was trapped in the hole, although the thread does state that the first call concerning the man came in at 12:18 p.m. local time.

The man is still being evaluated and has been issued an appearance ticket in the Town of Orchard Park for criminal trespass.

The construction for the Bills' new stadium, named New Highmark Stadium, is happening west of current Highmark Stadium, just across Abbott Road and just south of Community College Drive, in what used to be called Parking Lot 3. We are unsure where the hole in question is exactly in that lot.

Unfortunately for the man in question, he did not get to witness his Bills dominate the Las Vegas Raiders 38-10. The team is now 1-1 and will be on the road for Week 3 against the Washington Commanders.

Buffalo Bills fan found naked, covered in human waste after falling down hole by Highmark Stadium

A Buffalo Bills fan was found naked and covered in human feces after hopping a fence at the construction site for the Bills' New Highmark Stadium

www.usatoday.com

This 29-year-old guy isn't even a football player, but somehow still had the biggest fumble of the night! Also, how the heck does someone have access to all those drugs, and also at the same time! That's, like, Alex Murdaugh-level drug consumption! Oy vey!

It's funny how he attended a football game, and almost became a football. Also, why be naked? What is the context of him having previously been naked, and having been found naked? I honestly probably don't want to know.

Also, let's spare some thought for the people in the area who are employed to clean porta potties. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they'll remember this one.

The below footage is a dramatic reenactment of the occurrence. With plenty of artistic liberties. Just imagine that hole in the ground is a porta potty, and you'll get the gist from there.

 

[Alxprkrkrls]

“he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol, a combo of LSD, cocaine, and marijuana” that’s one hell of a pregame

 

[Metalfan]

The Bills have never been worth covering ones self in poop, I was born in and lived 16 yrs in Upstate NY.But we all know this! Once in the eighties blah,blah........

 

[thuumpr]

Took his clothes off obviously because he fell in, but still in looking for his jacket... Left a sandwich in the pocket and gettin' a little hungry.

 

[Sejanus]

He throws the shittiest tailgate parties.