Mental illness support thread

[alifinrox]

Our life experiences make us who and what we are.
Recognizing that fact within ourselves is what helps each of us to over come our past history.
If I were told I could go back in time to change anything think I wish, I would change nothing, for my life experiences combined make me who and what I am today, and if I changed any tiny thing, I might not be where I am, with who I am today - and that has made all the difference.

And what a wonderful person you've turned into ❤

 

[Future_Milf]

So my PTSD has gotten better from the first traumatic event in my life. Took almost thirty years to get there. I'll keep this brief, but here's what happened: we moved from Russia to the US when I was six. My mom, uncle, grandparents, and me to a townhouse. As soon as my grandparents moved out, my uncle started physically and sexually abusing me. He always told me he'd kill me if I told on him. He tried to make good on his promise when I told my mom after a particularly brutal assault where I was knocked unconscious. I have a scar from the knife he tried to use. My mom and I fled to her friends' house and never looked back. At 35, I forgive him. The God I pray to forgives all and I just hope he progresses spiritually and addresses the issues that caused him to commit such terrible acts. When I let go of my self esteem being destroyed and stopped treating myself like shit, his hold on me was broken. Now, I just pity him, pray for him, and hope he gets better. Thanks for reading, I really didn't want to talk about this face to face with anyone but needed to get it out.

 

[Blunderbuss Firozabad]

You are an impressive person @Future_Milf , and your words and @Siobhan and @alifinrox's words, and everyone else who spoke here, are helping a lot of people.

 

[alifinrox]

So my PTSD has gotten better from the first traumatic event in my life. Took almost thirty years to get there. I'll keep this brief, but here's what happened: we moved from Russia to the US when I was six. My mom, uncle, grandparents, and me to a townhouse. As soon as my grandparents moved out, my uncle started physically and sexually abusing me. He always told me he'd kill me if I told on him. He tried to make good on his promise when I told my mom after a particularly brutal assault where I was knocked unconscious. I have a scar from the knife he tried to use. My mom and I fled to her friends' house and never looked back. At 35, I forgive him. The God I pray to forgives all and I just hope he progresses spiritually and addresses the issues that caused him to commit such terrible acts. When I let go of my self esteem being destroyed and stopped treating myself like shit, his hold on me was broken. Now, I just pity him, pray for him, and hope he gets better. Thanks for reading, I really didn't want to talk about this face to face with anyone but needed to get it out.

Wow tysm for adding your story. I'm glad you have reclaimed your power but you've gone even beyond that and forgave the person who caused you to miss out on so much of your life. I hella commend you for that. Really, you kind of have to in order to successfully purge the hate from yr own heart.

I too pray and esp with what's going on in the world these days, I'm finding it very hard to be positive and christlike when I'm laffing at idiots and telling the assholes to fuck off. I just pray to keep the hate from consuming me you know.

Best of luck w everything. Don't be a stranger- yr cute!
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You are an impressive person @Future_Milf , and your words and @Siobhan and @alifinrox's words, and everyone else who spoke here, are helping a lot of people.

aww i appreciate that ❤ i like to say, if all the shit that I've gone through helps even one person (not kill themselves, not fuck with opiates, not ignore their instincts etc), then i guess it would all have been worth it.

 

[Future_Milf]

Thank you so much to everyone who commented and left emojis. Obviously, this isn't something I talk about often and it sucks that victims of sexual assault are made to feel ashamed. Things are definitely improving on that front as far as society being supportive, but there's still a way to go.

 

[Siobhan]

Some of my worst OCD's are the hardest to stop, and they're mostly related to Asperger's -
almost like "Rainman", I'm am compelled to name narrator's voices from commercials like Tylenol - Susan Sarandon, FL's Orange Juice - Tom Selleck, Dodge Ram Trucks - Sam Elliot, etc..

Having full relative, and near absolute pitch (1-2 semesters of college level music theory would get me trained to full absolute, aka "perfect pitch", meaning not just finding the notes immediately as with relative pitch, but naming them by ear and and their hertz - I can do/name the notes, but not the exact hertz) voices of people that are known to me, whether actors, singers, celebrities, or family/friends, are so distinctive to the individual, most people would be amazed.

Only the closest of relatives may have voices that you can't distinguish from one another sometimes only when speaking, other times when singing, ie: Roslynd Kind sounds exactly like her half sister Barbra Streisand when singing (hence her problem with album sales, "That was great Roz, but we need to do a retake, because you sounded just like Barbra."), and that's often true with siblings or parents/children.

The same goes for songs/music, I *must* say the composer/artist/group, title, album and year, no matter how hard I try, I can't help myself or stop and say it only in my mind - this drives my family nuts, and causes me no little distress that I can not control it at all.

We watched a movie last week, and I missed the opening credits, but it was a crime story, and the lead detective's voice I recognized instantly, and kept looking at her face to be sure (because aging) I knew it was Sasha Alexander, and kept my mouth shut for most of the film, until towards the end, I finally *had to* yell out, "She's Kate, from NCIS!". I got eyerolls and sign for "quiet", and stayed silent until the film was over.

 

[notchback]

PTSD, Depression and OCD for me.They were a lot worse during the many years I was addicted. I've had battles with alcohol, several of which I lost, but have been mostly free of for 30+ years. About 6 years ago, I thought, what would it hurt if I had one drink. I kept a bottle hidden and took hits off it every now and then. My worst addiction was pornography. One thing I've learned about addiction, is that it is a very isolating thing. You're ashamed of what you've done, so you hide it from everyone. With porn, it is easier than with drugs and alcohol. I treated my wife horribly. My youngest son was afraid of me because of my outbursts. Of course, I was oblivious to it all. I was living the addict lie that I had two seperate and distinct lives and that they didn't cross over at all. My addiction was a secret that only I knew about and it wasn't hurting anyone but myself (but of course I didn't think I was hurting myself). I've been porn free since December 19, 2018. My life has taken an amazing turn. My debilitating depression is mostly gone. Where I used to have one or 2 good days in a month, I now only have a couple bad days every 3 months or so. I am much kinder to my wife and kids. I have been working hard to repair the things I did in the past. We moved house last July, and I was packing up my shop, I pulled my bottle of rum out of it's hiding spot and thought "why do I have this?" I opened it up, poured it out on the ground and threw the bottle away.

So, my life is going much better. I still take 100mg of Bupropion and 300mg of Trazodone every day. In addition, I pop the occasional Ambien at night to help me get back to sleep. My life is going better than it ever has. My outbursts are far fewer than they used to be. My wife and I are closer than we've ever been. I not giving up on the drugs because I like where I am. I tried quitting them one time because I thought they weren't doing any good, but found I was wrong.

Now I dealing with the causes of my PTSD, mainly the physical abuse my sister's and I had from our dad. I've come to terms with a lot of it, but I still have a ways to go. I wish I would have talked to him about it before he died.

 

[alifinrox]

PTSD, Depression and OCD for me.They were a lot worse during the many years I was addicted. I've had battles with alcohol, several of which I lost, but have been mostly free of for 30+ years. About 6 years ago, I thought, what would it hurt if I had one drink. I kept a bottle hidden and took hits off it every now and then. My worst addiction was pornography. One thing I've learned about addiction, is that it is a very isolating thing. You're ashamed of what you've done, so you hide it from everyone. With porn, it is easier than with drugs and alcohol. I treated my wife horribly. My youngest son was afraid of me because of my outbursts. Of course, I was oblivious to it all. I was living the addict lie that I had two seperate and distinct lives and that they didn't cross over at all. My addiction was a secret that only I knew about and it wasn't hurting anyone but myself (but of course I didn't think I was hurting myself). I've been porn free since December 19, 2018. My life has taken an amazing turn. My debilitating depression is mostly gone. Where I used to have one or 2 good days in a month, I now only have a couple bad days every 3 months or so. I am much kinder to my wife and kids. I have been working hard to repair the things I did in the past. We moved house last July, and I was packing up my shop, I pulled my bottle of rum out of it's hiding spot and thought "why do I have this?" I opened it up, poured it out on the ground and threw the bottle away.

So, my life is going much better. I still take 100mg of Bupropion and 300mg of Trazodone every day. In addition, I pop the occasional Ambien at night to help me get back to sleep. My life is going better than it ever has. My outbursts are far fewer than they used to be. My wife and I are closer than we've ever been. I not giving up on the drugs because I like where I am. I tried quitting them one time because I thought they weren't doing any good, but found I was wrong.

Now I dealing with the causes of my PTSD, mainly the physical abuse my sister's and I had from our dad. I've come to terms with a lot of it, but I still have a ways to go. I wish I would have talked to him about it before he died.

Tysm for sharing your story. It's intriguing to me that taboo/addictive behaviors always seem to escalate. Do you know what anhedonia is? Besides my old screen name lol... Its where you have basically blown out your happy speakers and lose the ability to ever have pleasure for the long term or even permanently. That's a big fear of mine.

Anyway, i appreciate you being a living example of how much more fulfilling life can be when you are treating others with respect. I'm glad things are working out better for you!
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Some of my worst OCD's are the hardest to stop, and they're mostly related to Asperger's -
almost like "Rainman", I'm am compelled to name narrator's voices from commercials like Tylenol - Susan Sarandon, FL's Orange Juice - Tom Selleck, Dodge Ram Trucks - Sam Elliot, etc..

Having full relative, and near absolute pitch (1-2 semesters of college level music theory would get me trained to full absolute, aka "perfect pitch", meaning not just finding the notes immediately as with relative pitch, but naming them by ear and and their hertz - I can do/name the notes, but not the exact hertz) voices of people that are known to me, whether actors, singers, celebrities, or family/friends, are so distinctive to the individual, most people would be amazed.

Only the closest of relatives may have voices that you can't distinguish from one another sometimes only when speaking, other times when singing, ie: Roslynd Kind sounds exactly like her half sister Barbra Streisand when singing (hence her problem with album sales, "That was great Roz, but we need to do a retake, because you sounded just like Barbra."), and that's often true with siblings or parents/children.

The same goes for songs/music, I *must* say the composer/artist/group, title, album and year, no matter how hard I try, I can't help myself or stop and say it only in my mind - this drives my family nuts, and causes me no little distress that I can not control it at all.

We watched a movie last week, and I missed the opening credits, but it was a crime story, and the lead detective's voice I recognized instantly, and kept looking at her face to be sure (because aging) I knew it was Sasha Alexander, and kept my mouth shut for most of the film, until towards the end, I finally *had to* yell out, "She's Kate, from NCIS!". I got eyerolls and sign for "quiet", and stayed silent until the film was over.

that's interesting! I like to make up spontaneous songs about everything from how much i love my apartment to reading the mail in song form. I also like to bust out old jingles from long forgotten commercials. The more obscure the better. Like this 80s radio hip hop psa jingle about not smoking cigarettes. Once my sister and i made a song out of the Spanish version of emergency exit instructions that were on the inside of the windows.

 

[Siobhan]

Oh @alifinrox I make up songs to the pets all the time!
Always have, each one has a special song of their own, as well as songs just for birds, cats, dogs, and horses.
I sing to the little ones in the family too, making up words and melodies as I go along about what we're doing, or incorporate nursery rhymes if tying shoes, etc., as well as songs by other people and older generations.

 

[Siobhan]

Yanno Ernie's "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street?
Replace "Rubber ducky" with "Little Buckley", and that's one of my songs for her, along with, "I lova you and you lova me" from "Meet me in St Louis", two of her faves.

 

[alifinrox]

Yanno Ernie's "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street?
Replace "Rubber ducky" with "Little Buckley", and that's one of my songs for her, along with, "I lova you and you lova me" from "Meet me in St Louis", two of her faves.

I do, the lil mr and i love bert and Ernie- esp ernie!! I have my whole life. He's so much like me, he's silly and messy and shorter and chubbier. I had bought myself a sing n snore ernie when i was 18 heehee... I miss that thing!

 

[Future_Milf]

So, I'm having a hard time today. When I let go of the PTSD and anger of what I went through with my uncle, the sort of rage/shame I felt from being bullied as a kid suddenly flared the fuck up. We moved to the US when I was 6. We were poor, I had an accent, black hair, pale skin-apparently that makes me evil-got really good grades, so people hated me for it. It got worse at the worst possible time, right after my grandmother died.


My mom tried her best, but there was some physical abuse we've talked about and I've forgiven her for. These people were just huge compared to me. At that age, I was 4'8 and 85 pounds. They weren't picking on the 6'1 17 year old guy who failed a bunch of times and stabbed someone. Nah, they went for a weak little girl they knew would fight back. I'm ashamed that I didn't stand up for myself.


I grew scared that that's just how people would treat me from now on. After a particularly hard eighth grade year, I only left my house once during the three month school vacation. So I changed everything I could. Bleached the fuck out of my hair, went tanning, and wore my hair as long and spread out as possible to cover the face and body they hated so much that I grew to hate. When I was 25, I went back to my real hair color.

I was really scared I'd get bullied again. I have a sporadic work history and a bunch of half finished degrees because depression gets to me and I'm so scared of being exposed to people like that. They taught me I deserve to be treated like shit. When I worked in a psych facility-starting at age 17 btw-patients were verbally, physically, and even occasionally sexually assaulting me on a regular basis.

I never reported it because I thought I deserved it. I bartended and had some very unpleasant dealings with alcoholics and I just took it. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. Among my ex's greatest hits? Dragging me outside naked in the snow and locking me out. It's ok I fought back and now he has a scar on his face from when I clawed him. I'm 35, this shouldn't still be affecting me.

This was a shitty junior high in Cleveland, it literally got shot up in the last month. I'm getting more ok with how I look now and am trying to love myself. The influx of curvy famous women has helped. I'm 5'3 and 125. I know it sounds fat, but I'm a 34 E, so those take up some of the weight. Sorry for the tmi. Anyways, I'm no longer hiding under a curtain of hair. I used to wear a ton more makeup than I have in in my avatar pic. I just wanted to be so far away from the appearance of the person they seemed to hate so much.

I don't get the whole pick on the smart kid thing. What the fucking fuck was I supposed to say? "I'm so sorry I'm smart, I'll get right to work on being stupid. I have a 128 iq I'm doing nothing with. I want to change that, but am ashamed that I let the few years I was bullied affect my ability to live up to my full potential. I had straight A's and was in gifted classes. I googled the main guy responsible a few years ago.

His prison record came up. Another thing that came up was that his 12 year old daughter got shot in a drive by. At first I thought it was karma, but now I just hope that he realizes the devastating gravity of how what he said and did affected me. I pray that he teaches his daughter not to do what he did. I forgive him and I hope he changes.

Despite all the horror I see in this site and in my personal life, I still believe in my heart that people are inherently good and that no one in this world is beyond redemption. Those of us who were treated badly and didn't take it out on others are just more spiritually progressed than the ones that do. This quarantine has really been a blessing in disguise. I've done a lot of soul searching and self help shit.

I don't hide behind three feet of hair anymore. I make the best of my body type and let my hair be black. A small part of me thinks maybe they were jealous cuz they had no hair or had fake hair. They make me do their homework and carry their books, so I doubt they pursued a higher education you actually have to work for. I wonder what they're lives are like. If they still pick small, grieving girls that won't have a come back or hit them.

I know this is super long, I'm sorry. I would love any show of support. Covid has me kind of bored and isolated, and this is what happens. Thanks for reading, even if you don't comment. It's helped my mental health to put this out there.

 

[Sejanus]

@Future_Milf it is not about the hard day's getting you out of sorts.
It is about knowing they can't stop you.
Sure they may slow one down, even cause us to pause.
The thing is knowing when you grab your breath you come back again and again.

That is the weakness inherent in mental health issues attacking us.
The same brain that gives them influence over us, also can use our same strengths against them.
Resilience, intellect, logic, compassion, wisdom and determination.
These are the weapons the mind can bring to bear in our defence.
What we need to do is learn to deploy them in ways that best suits each of us in a non destructive manner.

You've got this!
Take it from a stranger online lol!

 

[Future_Milf]

Thank you so much Support from a fellow bunny person like you just made me feel better

 

[caitierig]

@Future_Milf i was bullied badly too (seriously, I was bullied in a class condolence card in 2nd grade that the class sent when my dad was found murdered-and that was mild compared to what it was like in person), but what I realized a long time ago is that people don’t pick on others because they hate them. Bullies hate themselves and take that anger out on others who possess something they don’t. I got made fun of for being smart as well, and also for not having friends. The people that chose those things to make fun of had the most dysfunctional friendships and struggled in school. Don’t let their self loathing permeate your life. Every day, write one thing you like about yourself that day.

The whole covid thing has been tough. Even when I’m busy, being stuck at home with my own thoughts has been pretty self destructive and emotionally isolating. If you need a shoulder or an ear, feel free to PM me. Sounds like we have more in common than I would’ve thought.

 

[alifinrox]

So, I'm having a hard time today. When I let go of the PTSD and anger of what I went through with my uncle, the sort of rage/shame I felt from being bullied as a kid suddenly flared the fuck up. We moved to the US when I was 6. We were poor, I had an accent, black hair, pale skin-apparently that makes me evil-got really good grades, so people hated me for it. It got worse at the worst possible time, right after my grandmother died.


My mom tried her best, but there was some physical abuse we've talked about and I've forgiven her for. These people were just huge compared to me. At that age, I was 4'8 and 85 pounds. They weren't picking on the 6'1 17 year old guy who failed a bunch of times and stabbed someone. Nah, they went for a weak little girl they knew would fight back. I'm ashamed that I didn't stand up for myself.


I grew scared that that's just how people would treat me from now on. After a particularly hard eighth grade year, I only left my house once during the three month school vacation. So I changed everything I could. Bleached the fuck out of my hair, went tanning, and wore my hair as long and spread out as possible to cover the face and body they hated so much that I grew to hate. When I was 25, I went back to my real hair color.

I was really scared I'd get bullied again. I have a sporadic work history and a bunch of half finished degrees because depression gets to me and I'm so scared of being exposed to people like that. They taught me I deserve to be treated like shit. When I worked in a psych facility-starting at age 17 btw-patients were verbally, physically, and even occasionally sexually assaulting me on a regular basis.

I never reported it because I thought I deserved it. I bartended and had some very unpleasant dealings with alcoholics and I just took it. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. Among my ex's greatest hits? Dragging me outside naked in the snow and locking me out. It's ok I fought back and now he has a scar on his face from when I clawed him. I'm 35, this shouldn't still be affecting me.

This was a shitty junior high in Cleveland, it literally got shot up in the last month. I'm getting more ok with how I look now and am trying to love myself. The influx of curvy famous women has helped. I'm 5'3 and 125. I know it sounds fat, but I'm a 34 E, so those take up some of the weight. Sorry for the tmi. Anyways, I'm no longer hiding under a curtain of hair. I used to wear a ton more makeup than I have in in my avatar pic. I just wanted to be so far away from the appearance of the person they seemed to hate so much.

I don't get the whole pick on the smart kid thing. What the fucking fuck was I supposed to say? "I'm so sorry I'm smart, I'll get right to work on being stupid. I have a 128 iq I'm doing nothing with. I want to change that, but am ashamed that I let the few years I was bullied affect my ability to live up to my full potential. I had straight A's and was in gifted classes. I googled the main guy responsible a few years ago.

His prison record came up. Another thing that came up was that his 12 year old daughter got shot in a drive by. At first I thought it was karma, but now I just hope that he realizes the devastating gravity of how what he said and did affected me. I pray that he teaches his daughter not to do what he did. I forgive him and I hope he changes.

Despite all the horror I see in this site and in my personal life, I still believe in my heart that people are inherently good and that no one in this world is beyond redemption. Those of us who were treated badly and didn't take it out on others are just more spiritually progressed than the ones that do. This quarantine has really been a blessing in disguise. I've done a lot of soul searching and self help shit.

I don't hide behind three feet of hair anymore. I make the best of my body type and let my hair be black. A small part of me thinks maybe they were jealous cuz they had no hair or had fake hair. They make me do their homework and carry their books, so I doubt they pursued a higher education you actually have to work for. I wonder what they're lives are like. If they still pick small, grieving girls that won't have a come back or hit them.

I know this is super long, I'm sorry. I would love any show of support. Covid has me kind of bored and isolated, and this is what happens. Thanks for reading, even if you don't comment. It's helped my mental health to put this out there.

I think you're onto something with the jealousy theory. You my dear are a work of art. Coming from someone with a similar iq and similar experiences. Its such a shame you went through all that but i believe you wouldn't be nearly as awesome, or you period, if you hadnt. The way i see it, after my shitty life, if i can use or share my experiences to help save someone else some grief, itll all have been worth it. Hang in there you have so much to offer and you're pretty in every way!!

 

[Blizzard]

I'm 5'3 and 125. I know it sounds fat

how about NO? =p

and now he has a scar on his face from when I clawed him

Good, fuck him.

I used to wear a ton more makeup than I have in in my avatar pic

If that is how you actually look, then the haters were just fucking jelly, srs. So they bullied you as a way to damage you for the sake of their personal enlargement in their own minds. fuck those losers.

I don't get the whole pick on the smart kid thing. What the fucking fuck was I supposed to say? "I'm so sorry I'm smart, I'll get right to work on being stupid. I have a 128 iq I'm doing nothing with.

The stupid do this, it seems to me to be impossible for a smart person to be friends with the stupid. It blows up eventually even when you try to make it work. U will have just a few friends as a natural consequence, it's just how it is.

I wonder what they're lives are like.

Do you recall any full names? Sometimes those mature a bit and survive okay despite being stupid. Sometimes, not.

 

[BuffettGirl]

@Future_Milf and @caitierig - I'm so sorry that you had such traumatic childhoods. I can't imagine being that mean to a child, ever. I can only assume it's my newly discovered Aspiness that makes it unimaginable, but I would have coveted your black hair @Future_Milf (Mom and Sis have black hair, mines reddish-brown) and I would have made @caitierig my bestie after her father was killed because it would have broken my heart.

 

[alifinrox]

I love u ladies and that's not just bc I'm pretty buzzed lol

 

[notchback]

I sure the you ladies here. Take it from me, you're all beautiful. I would honestly love to meet with many of you someday and give you a hug for the inspiration that you've all been to me. (I was the bullied fat kid).

 

[alifinrox]

I sure the you ladies here. Take it from me, you're all beautiful. I would honestly love to meet with many of you someday and give you a hug for the inspiration that you've all been to me. (I was the bullied fat kid).

Hug accepted!!

 

[Keepalowprofile]

@Siobhan

I'm am compelled to name narrator's voices from commercials like Tylenol - Susan Sarandon, FL's Orange Juice - Tom Selleck, Dodge Ram Trucks - Sam Elliot, etc..

I do this also. There is one commercial for keiser permanente. I know her voice and i know movies she has been in. But i dont know her name.
Normally, i would jump right on the internet and find out but not for this. I must not cheat at this.
I have to wait until her name comes naturally.
You know, like she is a guest on a talkshow or she makes a new movie so i can see her name on the credits. Lol

 

[BuffettGirl]

@Siobhan


I do this also. There is one commercial for keiser permanente. I know her voice and i know movies she has been in. But i dont know her name.
Normally, i would jump right on the internet and find out but not for this. I must not cheat at this.
I have to wait until her name comes naturally.
You know, like she is a guest on a talkshow or she makes a new movie so i can see her name on the credits. Lol

Jeez, I almost just blurted it out! D'oh!!!

 

[myra manes]

Right now, with my house moving next Friday and the sudden death of my son, I'm in the worst emotional space, I've ever experienced ..

I've barely gotten out of pj's ..
I've bathed once in 10 days ..

I just don't care anymore ..

Once I'm settled in the new house, I hope to feel somewhat better, if not, I'll seek grief and overdose councilling ..

 

[Victoria]

~ myra manes ~ My heart goes out to you as well as sending up a prayer for you. Sometimes it seems too much of an effort to simply put one foot in front of the other when buffeted by pain and grief. Even when your path is darkest and most despairing try and keep the thought that glory cometh in the morning.

 

[Keepalowprofile]

 

[Keepalowprofile]

 

[Future_Milf]

Thank you so much to everyone who read or responded to my post. I was gonna delete it, but I'll leave it up cuz it might help someone else some day. I'm feeling much better, it feels like I'm growing spiritually and getting closure, so this whole pandemic was a blessing in disguise for me cuz it let me really work on myself and face my demons.
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Oh and blizzard thanks so much for saying I'm not fat. I'm trying to be more body positive, focus on being strong and healthy vs the numbers on a scale.

 

[myra manes]

I should be so happy today, I'm moving into my new house ..

I'm not , I feel empty and void ..

 

[MildlyMedicated]

@myra manes
Plus 1000 more!