The top ten most-read stories on the Front Page that were posted between last Sunday and today are:
#1: The Mattress Was Taken Away Because The Starving Girl Child Was Eating It
by @Sue sue
#2: 17-Year-Old Faces 3 Felonies After Allegedly Molesting 12-Year-Old Girl
by @crys_xoxo
#3: Break-up Leads to Blasted Vagina
by @Sugar Cookie
#4: Cops Search For 5-Year-Old Dulce Maria Alavez, Last Seen at NJ Playground
by @Turd Fergusen
#5: 4 Kentucky Children Living In House Full Of Rotten Food And Trash
by @Sugar Cookie
#6: Ex-Wisconsin Nurse Will Plead Guilty To Bruising and Breaking 9 Babies' Bones
by @Satanica
#7: Mom Accused Of Sending Video Of Her Trying To Drown 6-year-old Son In Bathtub To Boy's Father
by @Sugar Cookie
#8: DUI Biking Turns To Sex In Back Of Police Cruiser. Yep, It's Florida
by @ghosttruck
#9: Woman Kept As Sex Slave, Beaten, Tortured In Front Of Children In Hotel Rooms
by @ghosttruck
#10: Georgia Homeowner Fatally Shoots 3 Teens Who Tried To Rob Him
@ghosttruck
#10: Nursing Home Assistant: "I Thought She Would Like It"
@ghosttruck
I don't know what's been going on around here... some joker's been using the Top Ten for Storytime. Real Life Horror is serious business, bud, not an opportunity for you to show off to everyone! The Top Ten represents a lot of hard work on the part of a lot of people, it's not your little literary playground.
Why, just look at @ghosttruck! Last week was the first week he's missed the Top Ten in three months; this week he's on fire! He made up for his absence last week by tying himself, which has never been done before, and pushing the Top Ten into a Top Eleven. That's right, "Georgia Homeowner Fatally Shoots 3 Teens Who Tried To Rob Him" and "Nursing Home Assistant: 'I Thought She Would Like It'" were tied at 427 views each at the finish line last night.
You think @ghosttruck deserves to be a bit player in one of your little bits of word-paper masturbation? Nein! He deserves proper recognition for his labors! (Although it only counts as one story for the Most Top Ten Stories competition, and once for the Most Top Ten Views. If I let him get away with doubling up, @Sugar Cookie will start hitting triples, @Turd Fergusen will steal home and it'll be a goddamn Top Fifteen.)
Or what about @Turd Fergusen? Ninth week in the Top Ten in a row (even though @Sue sue took his #1 spot this week), hell, he's a regular here now. You're really going to walk all over his accomplishments by spinning some contrived yarn? I don't think so.
And let's talk about @Sue sue. She busted all the way to Number One with a bullet, blasting right past everyone and scoring almost twice as many views as the Number Two story. She knows that a kid being so hungry that she ate a fucking mattress is the kind of Real Life Horror that sells, and she brought the goods, and she dominated. You gonna make her wave a magic wand at some imaginary monster in a fairy tale? Get the fuck outta here!
@Sugar Cookie a "baker woman"? She tied @ghosttruck for Most Top Ten Stories! She got Most Top Ten Views this week! Show some respect.
And @crys_xoxo and @Satanica? Defensive ends, getting sacks, holding @ghosttruck and @Sugar Cookie to three scores each. And you'd make them part of a puppet show. Hell, you didn't even mention anyone's names last week!
So everyone else join me in congratulating perennial champs @Sugar Cookie, @ghosttruck and @Turd Fergusen, and this week's contenders @Sue sue, @crys_xoxo and @Satanica for making it a great six-way free-for-all, full of excitement, molestation, abuse, shit-living and cop-car humping. This week had it all, and next week will be even better! So for all of us here under the Big Top, this is Old Man Metal saying "I really fucked up this time!" Love ya'!
That's how you do a Top Ten, ya' fuck ya'.
#1: The Mattress Was Taken Away Because The Starving Girl Child Was Eating It
by @Sue sue
The mattress was taken away because the starving girl child was eating it - The Demon's Den
Melissa Lin Keister starved and beat a child living in her home, withholding food as punishment and forcing the child to sleep naked inside a square taped to a bedroom floor under the watch of a surveillance camera. The poor starving child told police she was only allowed to exit the room...
dreamindemon.com
#2: 17-Year-Old Faces 3 Felonies After Allegedly Molesting 12-Year-Old Girl
by @crys_xoxo
17-Year-Old Faces 3 Felonies After Allegedly Molesting 12-Year-Old Girl - The Demon's Den
"Allyah Marie Goodman, 17, of Powder Springs, was taken into custody at McEachern High School by Cobb police after molesting a 12-year-old girl on more than one occasion, according to arrest warrants. The alleged incidents did not take place on school property. Between Aug. 1 and...
dreamindemon.com
#3: Break-up Leads to Blasted Vagina
by @Sugar Cookie
Break-up Leads to Blasted Vagina - The Demon's Den
A woman was brought to the hospital in critical condition after being shot 11 times. Her own wife was arrested for the shooting. Lying in a hospital bed, just hours after she had emergency surgery and two blood transfusions, Airrion Wallace explained what happened to her in her own home - "She...
dreamindemon.com
#4: Cops Search For 5-Year-Old Dulce Maria Alavez, Last Seen at NJ Playground
by @Turd Fergusen
Cops Search For 5-Year-Old Dulce Maria Alavez, Last Seen at NJ Playground - The Demon's Den
New Jersey detectives searched Tuesday for a 5-year-old girl who disappeared from a playground a day earlier while playing with her brother — despite erroneous reports that she had been found. The girl, Dulce Maria Alavez, was last seen Monday in the area of City Park in Bridgeton, where her...
dreamindemon.com
#5: 4 Kentucky Children Living In House Full Of Rotten Food And Trash
by @Sugar Cookie
4 Children Aged 2 To 12 Living In Squalor In A Kentucky House Full Of Trash & Rotten Food - The Demon's Den
Two people are behind bars after deputies said they found four children in unfit living conditions. The Laurel County Sheriff's Office went to a home off David Hibbitts Lane to help a constable with a writ of possession. This is part of the eviction process from the property owner...
dreamindemon.com
#6: Ex-Wisconsin Nurse Will Plead Guilty To Bruising and Breaking 9 Babies' Bones
by @Satanica
Ex-Wisconsin Nurse Will Plead Guilty To Bruising and Breaking 9 Babies' Bones - The Demon's Den
[....] Forty-three-year-old Christopher Kaphaem faces 19 felony child abuse counts involving nine infants. WKOW-TV reports Kaphaem’s attorney, Jonas Bednarek, notified the court of the plea in a letter Monday. Bednarek wrote that his client “is prepared to accept responsibility and enter pleas...
dreamindemon.com
#7: Mom Accused Of Sending Video Of Her Trying To Drown 6-year-old Son In Bathtub To Boy's Father
by @Sugar Cookie
Mom Accused Of Sending Video Of Her Trying To Drown 6-year-old Son In Bathtub To Boy's Father - The Demon's Den
Dazshea Watkins, 25, of Cleveland was accused of sending video of her attempting to drown her 6-year-old son in a bathtub to the child's father in August was indicted on charges including two counts of attempted murder and multiple counts of endangering children, kidnapping and assault. Watkins...
dreamindemon.com
#8: DUI Biking Turns To Sex In Back Of Police Cruiser. Yep, It's Florida
by @ghosttruck
DUI Biking Turns To Sex In Back Of Police Cruiser. Yep, It's Florida - The Demon's Den
Deputies say a Florida couple arrested on suspicion of cycling under the influence on Friday the 13th didn’t let that stop them from having sex in the back of a patrol car. This bizarre episode unfolded about 11:40 p.m. that night in Fernandina Beach, according to their arrest reports. A Nassau...
dreamindemon.com
#9: Woman Kept As Sex Slave, Beaten, Tortured In Front Of Children In Hotel Rooms
by @ghosttruck
Woman Kept As Sex Slave, Beaten, Tortured In Front Of Children In Hotel Rooms - The Demon's Den
A North Carolina woman was held as a sex slave and repeatedly tortured in two hotel rooms and two suspects have been arrested in connection with the case, police said on Friday. The woman, whose identity was not released, was “forced into sexual acts with random men” and “physically and...
dreamindemon.com
#10: Georgia Homeowner Fatally Shoots 3 Teens Who Tried To Rob Him
@ghosttruck
Georgia Homeowner Fatally Shoots 3 Teens Who Tried To Rob Him - The Demon's Den
A Georgia homeowner fatally shot three teenagers who were purportedly trying to rob him and two others on Monday night, officials said. The teenagers — ages 15, 16 and 16 — approached the residence in Conyers, a city roughly 25 miles southeast of Atlanta, with their faces covered in masks...
dreamindemon.com
#10: Nursing Home Assistant: "I Thought She Would Like It"
@ghosttruck
Nursing Home Assistant: "I Thought She Would Like It" - The Demon's Den
A nursing aide charged with sexually assaulting multiple women in assisted living facilities told police that he had a “fetish for older females under his care,” according to Florida court records. Falo Kane, 32, was arrested Monday on four counts of sexual battery of the physically helpless...
dreamindemon.com
I don't know what's been going on around here... some joker's been using the Top Ten for Storytime. Real Life Horror is serious business, bud, not an opportunity for you to show off to everyone! The Top Ten represents a lot of hard work on the part of a lot of people, it's not your little literary playground.
Why, just look at @ghosttruck! Last week was the first week he's missed the Top Ten in three months; this week he's on fire! He made up for his absence last week by tying himself, which has never been done before, and pushing the Top Ten into a Top Eleven. That's right, "Georgia Homeowner Fatally Shoots 3 Teens Who Tried To Rob Him" and "Nursing Home Assistant: 'I Thought She Would Like It'" were tied at 427 views each at the finish line last night.
You think @ghosttruck deserves to be a bit player in one of your little bits of word-paper masturbation? Nein! He deserves proper recognition for his labors! (Although it only counts as one story for the Most Top Ten Stories competition, and once for the Most Top Ten Views. If I let him get away with doubling up, @Sugar Cookie will start hitting triples, @Turd Fergusen will steal home and it'll be a goddamn Top Fifteen.)
Or what about @Turd Fergusen? Ninth week in the Top Ten in a row (even though @Sue sue took his #1 spot this week), hell, he's a regular here now. You're really going to walk all over his accomplishments by spinning some contrived yarn? I don't think so.
And let's talk about @Sue sue. She busted all the way to Number One with a bullet, blasting right past everyone and scoring almost twice as many views as the Number Two story. She knows that a kid being so hungry that she ate a fucking mattress is the kind of Real Life Horror that sells, and she brought the goods, and she dominated. You gonna make her wave a magic wand at some imaginary monster in a fairy tale? Get the fuck outta here!
@Sugar Cookie a "baker woman"? She tied @ghosttruck for Most Top Ten Stories! She got Most Top Ten Views this week! Show some respect.
And @crys_xoxo and @Satanica? Defensive ends, getting sacks, holding @ghosttruck and @Sugar Cookie to three scores each. And you'd make them part of a puppet show. Hell, you didn't even mention anyone's names last week!
So everyone else join me in congratulating perennial champs @Sugar Cookie, @ghosttruck and @Turd Fergusen, and this week's contenders @Sue sue, @crys_xoxo and @Satanica for making it a great six-way free-for-all, full of excitement, molestation, abuse, shit-living and cop-car humping. This week had it all, and next week will be even better! So for all of us here under the Big Top, this is Old Man Metal saying "I really fucked up this time!" Love ya'!
That's how you do a Top Ten, ya' fuck ya'.