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Old Man Metal

Veteran Member
Bold Member!
I didn't ask for her to walk into my life. Dames like her, they always show up uninvited.

This one was nuts, but she had a good story. Nice gams, too.

What the hell. A guy like me can't be too choosy. You get rousted from enough agencies for liking the bottle too much during the day, you end up solo in a dingy third-floor walk-up office, taking whatever jobs you can get.

None of what she told me made a lot of sense. Her sort usually don't, but this felt... different.

Different enough to get me involved.

It started with a friend of hers.

It always does.

This friend was named @Sugar Cookie. @Sugar Cookie had a problem.

All of her friends had problems.

@Sugar Cookie's problem was a bitch named Rose and her perv boyfriend Roberto. Rose liked to make her little girls play with each other, and not in a nice "playground" way. Roberto liked to watch.

Those two clowns were pretty easy to deal with; their sort usually are. Digitally illiterate, leave little traces everywhere.

I mean, c'mon. Get with the times.

So now Roberto is doing fifty. They took his phones too, like he's gonna need 'em where he's going.

Twinkle-toes gets sentenced in October.

That settled @Sugar Cookie's problem. Well, I should say, that settled her first problem. She was the most problem-plagued one of the bunch.

Goes looking for trouble, this @Sugar Cookie.

As soon as I get her out the door, here comes @Turd Fergusen. Almost as many troubles as @Sugar Cookie, this guy.

This particular problem was a real piece of work, some Jersey clown named Maison Torres. Sounds like a fruit. Looks like a real tough guy.

It seems Torres likes little girls. Real little. Specifically, Torres likes his girlfriend's 2-year-old.

Or liked. Because when he got done with her, he burned her, beat her, and smothered her.

She didn't make it. He said she fell down the steps.

I said bullshit.

Now Mr. Tough Guy is looking at murder one and a raft of other charges.

Done.

I got five minutes to myself to investigate the contents of a bottle of rye, and here came another one of her friends, @ghosttruck.

This one is as country as salt-cured ham on a buttermilk biscuit.

She sure can pick 'em.

@ghosttruck told me that some brain-dead judge in Pennsylvania just ruled that making finger guns at people is disorderly conduct.

Yeah, finger guns, like the kids make on the playground.

Seems some neighborhood asshole scared some weak-hearted neighbor woman with a finger gun, and the Judge didn't like it.

I told @ghosttruck straight, I don't like it, and I'll swill moonshine with you and reminisce about a time when our courts weren't stuffed with Godless communists until your cows come home, but there's nothing I can do about this one.

Pennsylvania is just a state full of pussies. Case closed.

Next time, bring me something I can work with, I said.

Boy, would he.

Exit patriotic American, enter @Turd Fergusen.

Back again, this time with a poser of a puzzle.

Cute little high school girl at a party with some bad apples, ends up shot in the head. Violent end to a brief life. Witnesses say she did it herself.

Then how did her car drive itself away from the party? And where is it?

Great question.

I'm still working on this one. I know what happened though, and it wasn't suicide. Not by a long shot.

So I sent @Turd Fergusen packing with an "I'll get back to you when I know something, I'm on the case" and took a brief inventory of my rye. It seemed to be diminishing in quantity.

I'm so busy thinking about the doll that started all of this, and her gams, and the pert caboose at the end of those tracks, that I don't hear @Sugar Cookie slip back in.

She doesn't knock.

She doesn't mince words, either. Some blue-haired young piece of doper fluff named Savannah and her angry doper boyfriend Caleb beat the hell out of their toddler and refused to get medical care, and what was I going to do about it?

Prison for both of them, I answered.

I didn't have the heart to tell her how little time they'd draw. Judges are idiots.

She left, mollified, and I got back to that caboose. I completely forgot about the rye.

I'd just about made up my mind to go down to the nearest bar in search of a dame with a derriere like that, one that didn't have any friends with problems, when the door slammed open.

@Ducky.

Stone the crows.

And she had a doozy.

Minor-league ball player down in Virginia named Blake Bivens. His teenage brother-in-law went ape, shot up the family, killed Blake's wife, her mom and her son.

Then ran amok, butt-naked, terrorizing the town.

They maced him, they tazed him, they beat him. Nothing stopped him.

Even the police dogs wanted nothing to do with him.

Now he's safe and sound in the hospital, being treated for that nasty head wound... self-inflicted, I'm sure.

Hopefully he'll stay locked up after that.

I think @Ducky wanted more. I told her what I told @ghosttruck: communist judges. What can I do?

No sooner had the door slammed behind her, when @Sugar Cookie slipped back in.

For the third time.

I eyed my bottle and winced. At this rate, I'll never get censured for "conduct unbecoming" again.

More abusive adults beating their kids, this time a pair of pips called Marvin and Tiera whaling on a 6-year-old named Wyatt. Wyatt got thrown into a wall one too many times and died.

So now Marvin is doing fifteen-to-life for murder and Mom is staring at a raft of charges.

I think fifteen years is a bit light for beating a kid to death, but what do I know? I'm just a bum PI.

But I put a good spin on it, maybe it'll be life this time, and I usher @Sugar Cookie out of the office.

I make sure to slip the deadbolt this time.

I don't know how much later, a sustained pounding at the door awakened me from a nap I'd elected to take after some well-earned libations.

@ghosttruck was back, and he had a sad tale to tell.

Seems a particularly dense college student liked to do her yoga hanging off of her balcony.

80 feet up.

Guess what happened. Yep. Splatto.

Maybe she makes it, I told @ghosttruck, maybe she doesn't.

Two things I can't control: communist judges and the hand of Darwin.

And the dame with the gams. That's three.

I don't tell him that last bit.

I help him with the last of his moonshine, and he ambles out.

He and @Sugar Cookie pass each other like a pair of detention hall chums passing in the schoolyard.

Yep, she came back a fourth time, this time about a child rapist in Oregon, some mook named Anthony. Anthony had a long-term, committed relationship with a young girl. A ten-year-long relationship.

That finally came to a screeching halt when he got caught in the act.

Now he had @Sugar Cookie gunning for him. This guy was screwed.

Fifty years in the joint, no looking back, I told her. Done.

I knew I wasn't done. I just knew it. And I was right.

To top the week off, @Turd Fergusen came back for a third time, this time with some cockamamie story about an idiot down in Florida who got stopped by a traffic cop for driving some kind of caveman car.

I swear the heat bakes their brains down there.

I told @Turd Fergusen I'd see what I could do.

The problem is, it's Florida. Idiots in caveman cars are the least of their worries.

I didn't tell him that. His heart's in the right place. And he carries a hand-cannon.

I lean back in my chair and kick my feet up on the desk as his footsteps echo up the stairwell and the front door bangs shut.

The hell with the office door.

I reach into the bottom drawer of the desk, fishing for a small reserve flask of medicinal whiskey.

I come up with a fifth of Wild Turkey, seal still intact.

I spin the top. I know who put it there.

The dame with the legs.

She'll be back.

I'm a magnet for trouble.
 

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#1: Florida Man™ Stopped By Deputy: Dressed As Fred Flintstone©, Complete With A Flintmobile
by @Turd Fergusen



#2: Child Rape Victim To Attacker “Just Know, I Can Be Free Now”
by @Sugar Cookie



#3: Student Practicing Extreme Yoga Pose Falls 80 Feet From Balcony
by @ghosttruck



#4: 6-Year-Old Wyatt Mounts Was Repeatedly Kicked & Thrown; Mom Protects Her Boyfriend
by @Sugar Cookie



#5: Man Murders Sister, Mom, Infant Nephew, Goes on Naked Assault Spree
by @Ducky



#6: Savanna Roger Thought She Had A Self-Healing Infant
by @Sugar Cookie



#7: Caller Said Kaylissa O'leary, 17, Shot Herself at House Party. Police Say Otherwise
by @Turd Fergusen



#8: Court Rules That Finger Guns Are Illegal In Pennsylvania
by @ghosttruck



#9: Man Arrested for Burning, Suffocating Girlfriend’s 2-Year-Old Daughter After Raping Her
by @Turd Fergusen



#10: Woman Made Two Female Toddlers Engage In Sexual Acts For Man's Sexual Gratification
by @Sugar Cookie


Congrats to:

@Turd Fergusen for top story

@Sugar Cookie for most stories

@Sugar Cookie for most views

@Turd Fergusen for being in the Top Ten for the sixth week in a row, and @Ducky for 2 weeks.

Of course, @Sugar Cookie and @ghosttruck are ALWAYS in the Top Ten.
 
@Old Man Metal When I get thru my cycle of bon mots, spontaneous witticisms, and mesmerizing anecdotes, I ease that person out, and find a fresh friend. It is a complex, demanding, overlapping schedule. One has to prevent friends from accidently meeting, and recommencing friendships is challenging !! (how much old material, that they heard 15 yrs ago, am I still using?). It is hard work to be a bad girl. When you ease us out eventually, we'll miss you dude.
 
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