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Old Man Metal

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The top ten most-read stories on the Front Page that were posted between last Sunday and today are:

#1: Slavery Role Play Request Goes Very Wrong For Florida Couple
by @ghosttruck



#2: Cane Madden Is Too Incompetent To Stand Trial, But Not To Keep Raping
by @Keepalowprofile



#3: Mother And Daughter's Day At The Beach Results In Seven Felonies And Fourteen Misdemeanors
by @ghosttruck



#4: Father Purposely Dropped "Difficult" Infant Son On Head, Killing Him
by @Turd Fergusen



#5: Village Idiot Walks Into A Walmart Wearing Camcorder, Body Armor and A Rifle, To "Test His Right To Bear Arms"
by @Forfcuksake



#6: 4 Men Took Turns Raping 11-Year-Old Runway Then Paid Her $16
by @Sue sue



#7: He "Dropped His Pants With His Back To Me, Put His Finger In His Rectum And Then Came At Me Swinging"
by @ghosttruck



#8: Florida Man™: Gets Early Prison Release, Robs Bank, Carjacks Getaway Ride, And Murders The Car Owner
by @everjaded



#9: Wisconsin Child Porn Fugitive Hid Out In Makeshift Bunker For Over 3 Years
by @Turd Fergusen



#10: Matthew Gouin's Going to Jail for Raping 9-Year-Old Girl
by @Turd Fergusen



For the second week in a row, we've had more than 5 posters with articles in the Top Ten. Is this crowded playing field a blip in the space-time Continuum, or is it a part of the Chosen Permutation? Only Time will tell, but one thing seems to be a sure bet: @Turd Fergusen is part of the New Regime.

Having refused to leave the Top Ten for a fourth consecutive week, @Turd Fergusen took light-speed advantage of @Sugar Cookie's absence, seizing three of the ten Big Spots in a series of daring raids by a difficult father and his difficult son, a bunker-dwelling kiddie porn fan, and a Utahn so stupid that he rapes little girls but doesn't know why.

Of course, @ghosttruck did his level best to stop these incursions, locking down three 'Spots of his own, fortifying his Territories with a spitty Florida man whose turn-ons don't include slaveplay, a multi-generational pair of bigoted beach bitches, and an Alabama ass-fighter with a unique shit-fu style... all the while striving to be Number One.

And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't've been for that Maven of Mayhem @Keepalowprofile. Like a photon torpedo, she unleashed a crazed Kentucky man who keeps raping because, hell, the courts keep letting him, slipping in under @ghosttruck's Shields as he was occupied with @Turd Fergusen. I believe @ghosttruck actually got bit, but the judges ruled it incidental contact; regardless, as of press time, we had a true Photo-tron Finish, as only two Eye Clicks separated the slaver and the raper.

That being the case, the High Tribunal (whom I humbly serve, may the Diurnal Aberration ever shit light upon their heads and fill them with Foresight and Knowledge) have decreed that @ghosttruck and @Keepalowprofile arm-wrestle for it. No groin strikes allowed.

So, then, what of the Hinterlands? What hideous, mutated Fuckedworld Beings lurk in the irradiated darkness beyond the Safety Zone? Rumors abound of the Other Three: @Forfcuksake's Floridian Firearm Fucktard, @Sue sue's Happy-Meal-A-Fuck Childrape Quartet, and @everjaded's Early Release Felon, who lasted just over a month before succumbing to that overwhelming urge to RobJackKill.

If the breathable, continuously-purified air and readily available water aren't enough to keep you in the Safety Zone, these three should be.

I'd stay close to home, if I were you.

This has been a Public Service announcement from the High Tribunal.
 
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