• You must be logged in to see or use the Shoutbox. Besides, if you haven't registered, you really should. It's quick and it will make your life a little better. Trust me. So just register and make yourself at home with like-minded individuals who share either your morbid curiousity or sense of gallows humor.

Stories, Jokes, Things that make us laugh out loud!

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man..

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man,

knocking him swiftly off his stool.

He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar,

before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
 
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."
 
The state governor was hosting a Halloween costume party. All the gentry were there, and as they arrived, the doorman announced what their characters were.

When one couple arrived, he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."

When another couple arrived, he announced, "Tarzan and Jane," and so on, as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening, a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants. Apart from that, he was totally naked from head to toe.

After ascertaining that the man was indeed an invited guest, the doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry, sir," said the shocked doorman. "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"Okay," said the man, “Just say I came in my underpants."
 
Cold is a relative thing

65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in North Dakota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in North Dakota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in North Dakota drive with the windows down..

40°
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in North Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in North Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20°
People in Miami all die.
North Dakotans close the windows.

0°
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in North Dakota get out their winter coats and head out to go ice fishing.

10° below zero
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in North Dakota are selling cookies door to door.

20° below zero
Washington, DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah).
People in North Dakota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30° below zero
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
North Dakotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

40° below zero
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in North Dakota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

50° below zero
Hell freezes over.
North Dakota public schools will open 2 hours late…just enough time for a little ice fishing
 
Airplane mechanic humor

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
 
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 4th grade student.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
 
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Joplin , Missouri Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Riverton , Kansas . He was wearing black fish-net stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.


The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


Police do care.
 
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at the Joe's Crab Shack, Houston, Texas ; I am callin' to tell y’all that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Legion have joined us as well

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Archie, "I'll have ta call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
 
Deer Hunt

I was going deer hunting like I do every year. My wife jumps up and decides she want to try her luck at it. I take her to buy a rifle. We sight it in she shoots pretty good so next morning off we go.
I set her up in a stand and tell her to watch this one trail for deer and not to shoot any other direction.
I told her I would be over the hill hunting in my stand. I told her if I heard her shoot I would come and help her.
I got just over the hill ready to climb into the stand when I hear Blam! Blam!
I go running back over the hill and down to her stand when I see my wife shaking and holding her rifle on a guy with his hands in the air.. The guy is shaking too and says, " Y yyy yes ma'am that's your deer, just let me get my saddle off of him!"
 
Looking For Work
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that
we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is
looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of... the
brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4
weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest,
and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you
are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 year ago) we grabbed a person
From Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him
President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is
looking for work !!!!!!"
 
Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.





Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
 
Have a drink!

A man at a local bar saw an very sexy lady sit down and he decided to get to know her. He proffered her a drink by the bartender. Without even looking up she scribbled a note to the bartender for him to take back to the gentleman.
It said :
For me to accept this wine you have to drive a Mercedes, have a million dollars in your bank and have at lest 7 inches down your pants.
The man wrote his own note back.
Sweetheart, looks are deceiving. lamborghini in my garage in jackson Hole Wyoming, a mazarati in the garage in Beverly Hills and a Rolls Royce for my Penthouse in NYC. I have a portfolio worth over 25 million. But not even for a lady as fine as yourself will I cut off 3 inches. Just send the wine back.
 
The Biker at the Zoo

A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
 
[MENTION=4663]walkingeagle[/MENTION] This was a good one! That is exactly how the media reports.
 
A rainy evening a new customer arrives into a pub, and orders a coffee.
– That will be three dollars, Sir, tells the bartender.
The customer drinks quietly the coffee, then he takes three one-dollar bills from his wallet and places one on the center of the counter. Then he goes to the extreme left of the bar (which is very long) and deposits there the second bill. Finally he goes to the extreme right of the counter, where he deposits the last bill. Then he leaves the pub.
The bartender is surprised, he has to walk along the whole bar to retrieve the money.
The following day the same customer comes back, and once again orders a coffee. To pay he performs the same routine as the previous day. And so, during several years the customer comes every evening, paying each time with the very same strange and annoying procedure.
One evening, the bartender feels that this day will be different. Well, as usual the customer orders a coffee, but this time he hands a fiver. The bartender is overwhelmed: for so long he has been waiting for this moment! With an infinite satisfaction, he takes two one-dollar bills from his register, and slowly deposits them at each extremity of the bar. The customer drinks his coffee, then he takes from his wallet a one-dollar bill that he puts on the bar.
– Another coffee, please.
 
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last
night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then
dropped the microphone on his foot & said "F*** me".
What happened next will haunt me forever.
 
A man owns a general store selling everything from tintacks to Tampax. He has stood his son a private education, but wants to teach him the principles of trade in case he should take over the business. So during school holidays he has the son in the shop from time to time.

He explains that there is a right and a wrong way to approach a customer who is looking round. You don't say, "Can I help you?" because it gives them the chance to simply say, "No."

If they are looking at a particular item you can ask, "Is this the same as you have at home?" Then the discussion can continue whatever the answer and may lead to a sale. He says to the lad, "Watch what I do."

A man comes in and asks for a large packet of grass seed. The shopkeeper puts the packet on the counter and says, "What kind of lawn mower have you, sir?" The man replies, "None. I won't be needing it until the grass grows."

The shopkeeper explains that he has one mower in stock which is the end of a line. He can offer it at a reduced price and in his opinion it is of better quality than the new model that will replace it. He sells the man a lawn mower.

He says to his son, "See what you can do with the next customer."

A young fellow comes up to the counter, goes a bit red and asks for a packet of sanitary towels.

The son says, "Packet of sanitary towels, sir, and what kind of lawn mower have you?"

The young chap says, "What do I want with a lawn mower?"

"Well you won't be doing much this weekend. You may as well cut the grass."
 
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
 
Two Irishmen find a mirror on the road.

The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me down, I know this face but I cant put a name to it."

The second picks it up and says, "You daft bastard, it's me!"

***********************************************************

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck," says the guard.

"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
 
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today you voted.'
 
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 4th grade student.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
 
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-
Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging

Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d much really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We have just got a job opening form a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his daughter.

You’ll have to drive his 2010 Mercedes CL, and, because you'll need to look the part, he will supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

Now this is rather awkward... you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said "You’re bullshittin’ me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
 
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until he comes
Across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. The bike seems even better
Than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute
Mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it
In such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
Outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
From the rain", and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.;
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
Before we go in. When we eat dinner , we don't talk. In fact, the first
Person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
Stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled
Up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They
Sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he
Leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and
Fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her,
Rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there,
In front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
Obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one
Says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the
Mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
Way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
Dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe
Remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

At this, the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's
Enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"


From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."
 
Two Aliens

Some yeas ago two aliens landed in outback Australia near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Browned off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You don't want to do that! It will make him angry.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No...
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Share this page

Latest posts

Back
Top