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Old Man Metal

Featured West Virginia Genius Hides Meth Operation In Kids' Room
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PARKERSBURG, WV — A West Virginia man is behind bars after narcotics officers found a methamphetamine distribution operation in the kids' room. Michael Lee Barker is a special kind of irresponsible. I mean, professional-grade irresponsible. Like, if irresponsibility paid a salary, he'd be on Easy Street for life. And he's damned lucky...
Featured Florida Man Uses Ill-Gotten Gains For Massive Dental Overhaul
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DeBARY, FL — A Florida Man has been arrested after committing a massive financial fraud that netted him new teeth and every kid's birthday wish. Timothy Powell is dumb as hell, but he has a great smile. The Florida man was reportedly recruited by a gang of thieves to help them with their dirty work. The first mission they gave him: fix that fucked-up grill. Powell's new partners in crime felt that less-dodgy dentition would make him "look better for future fraudulent transactions." I...
Featured Pennsylvania Man Sells Narcotics To Protect Others
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SANDY RIDGE, PA — A Pennsylvania man was arrested for distribution of narcotics, even though he claimed to have the best interests of others at heart. Some people are just humanitarians. They care about the people around them, even people that they don't really know, and they will go to great lengths to help them. Sometimes they're even willing to go to jail in the furtherance of the greater good. Dave Smith is one of those folks. An undercover informant ratted the 41-year-old man out to...
Featured Drunken Dallas Mom: We Are "Going To Die Together"
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DALLAS, TX - A Dallas mother faces felony charges after offering her pre-teen children bourbon, threatening them, and physically abusing her son. Isadora Ventura is a bourbon connoisseur with husband issues. And she has stabby thoughts. The last of these traits got the 28-year-old Dallas mom into hot water with the local authorities when they visited Casa...
Featured Florida Man Executes Teen Party-Goers For No Apparent Reason
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OLGA, FL — A Florida Man has been arrested for impersonating a cop and fatally shooting two teenaged boys at a local teen party spot, for no apparent reason. Elwood Timothy Robinson, 46, is like a Good Samaritan, but different. At about 5 AM on Saturday...
Terrifier - Weapons of Thrash Destruction (2017)
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Every year, no matter how hard you try, some real gems are going to slip past you. With thousands of new metal albums coming out each year, missing something good the first time around is a statistical certainty. Terrifier's 2017 album Weapons of Thrash Destruction is a perfect example of a Top-Ten-grade release that I missed last year. This is the second full-length album from these Canadian thrashers, and it is a beast! Terrifier play straight-up thrash: blitzkrieg-assault, high-speed...
Featured South Carolina Woman Helps Dead Speak, Gets Convicted
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CHARLESTON, SC — A South Carolina woman was convicted of health care fraud in federal court for billing the government for fraudulent speech therapy services. Sometimes the dead speak. Due to the natural process of decay, they often do not do so clearly. They need speech therapy. That's where Gena Randolph comes in. According to the US District Attorney's Office, Randolph regularly provided speech therapy...
Featured South Carolina Wife Takes Husband's Benefits, Leaves Him To Die
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COLUMBIA, SC - A South Carolina woman was sentenced to federal prison after using her cancer-stricken husband's veterans' benefits for a Vegas vacation and other fraudulent purposes. Tammy L. Yoho is a fucking bitch. With a last name like "Yo, ho!" you would almost expect it. The 54-year-old South Carolina woman obtained control of her veteran husband's VA benefits in 2002 when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. Rather than standing by her man, she...
Featured The Witches - Stacy Schiff
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Stacy Schiff's 2015 release The Witches is a thoroughly-researched, thoroughly end-noted (57 pages of them) non-ficton study of the New England witch panic of the early 1690s and the witchcraft trials that followed, with the main focus being on the town of Salem, Massachusetts. Schiff begins by setting the scene, introducing the individuals and families involved in the coming paroxym of fear and rigid justice, as well as the town itself, setting all within well-explored historical...
Featured Elderly Child Molester Gets Fatal Minute-Long Beating From Cellmate
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FORT WORTH, TX — An elderly, legally-incompetent child molester was beaten to death in front of staff in a Texas prison. David Faustino Flores doesn't like old people. He really hates child molesters. And he is quite the pugilist. Authorities at the Tarrant County jail made the mistake of putting the 42-year-old man, being...
Featured Arkansas Man Arrested For Whacking It At Walmart
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BIGELOW, AR — An Arkansas man has been arrested for public masturbation for the second time this year after an incident in the jewelry department of a Walmart. Shoppers at the Walmart on Skyline Drive in Bigelow, Arkansas got more than they bargained for on Sunday when Dustin Gene Crocker showed off the family jewels while doing a little public self-pleasuring...
Featured Teacher Accuses Special Needs Student Of Sexual Assault
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BEAVERTON, OR - In a twist on an old theme, a male Oregon teacher has accused a special-needs student of sexual assault. According to a half-million-dollar lawsuit filed on November 1st against the Beaverton School District by a paraeducator (whatever that is), the unnamed school employee, who, among other duties, was assigned to assist the student, had repeatedly reported "the student's escalating behavior," which was apparently of a sexually-assaultive nature, over a two-year period, all...
Featured Millennial Moron Dodges Darwin, Cop Gets BB To The Dome
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ANTIOCH, CA — Police officers in California ran across the King of Millennial Idiots recently, and it's a wonder that no on got an eye put out. As of press time, a name had not been released, but what we do know about Sonny Boy is that he is damned lucky to be alive, and he seems to have a death wish. And he's a stereotypical member of his much-maligned generation. Police in Antioch responded to a Tuesday evening complaint of a man brandishing a black semiautomatic pistol during a...
Featured Mom Of Three: "I Am Going To Go On A Murdering Spree"
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GLEN ULLIN, ND — A North Dakota mother missed out on Halloween after beating up her three-year-old, spewing threats at multiple agencies and assaulting police officers. Trista Reynolds completely lost her shit for Halloween, and boy, did she rack up the charges. According to the Morton County Sheriff's Office, the 34-year-old mother's high-speed...
Featured North Carolina Magician Indicted For Conjuring Too Near Kids
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GREENSBORO, NC — A North Carolina man has been indicted by a grand jury for being a sex offender on premises frequented by children after he performed as a magician during family night at a pizza restaurant. Authorities call Kevin Daniel Pegram a recidivist. I think they've got him pegged. The 35-year-old Rockingham County man is a registered sex offender because of...
Featured Thomas Copland Likes It Ruff, Gets Active Sentence
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ELKO, NV – A Nevada man was recently sentenced to prison for physically and sexually abusing someone else's dog while it was briefly in his possession. Thomas Copland is a jack of all trades that likes a little rough stuff with a ruff-ruff on the side, and this proclivity for tormenting pooches with pricks and pokes just derailed his whole genius criminal enterprise. The 32-year-old Spring Creek, Nevada man...
Featured Michigan Man, Loveless, Lurks In Lots To Peruse Posteriors
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Saginaw, MI — A Michigan man was charged with aggravated stalking after tricking women into getting out of their cars so that he could ogle them. Ladies of Michigan: Kurt M. Fulton likes that ass. And he knows just how to get you to show it. Police in Saginaw, Michigan recently tumbled to his little scheme, when a woman shopping at a Target in Kochville Township returned to her car and...
Featured Arizona Mom Scores DUI For Halloween Outing
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BUCKEYE, AZ — An Arizona mother was arrested for aggravated DUI after doubling the legal Blood Alcohol Content limit while taking a group of kids trick-or-treating for Halloween. The cool parents are the ones who bother to dress up for Halloween when they take the kids trick-or-treating. It shows that they still understand the magical whimsy of being a child, and that they are still young enough at heart to get into the spirit of the holidays. And that they don't take themselves too...
New Release Judas Priest - Firepower
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I don't pay a whole lot of attention to modern-day traditional metal. My tastes have gradually gotten more and more extreme over the years, and I honestly don't have much interest in anything but death metal, black/hybrid stuff and a bit of thrash anymore, unless it's an album that I grew up loving. Nothing against trad metal, it just doesn't grab me now. Tastes change. I guess, then, that it really says something about the new Judas Priest album, Firepower, that I have kept coming back to...
Featured Alabama Man Has Underage Birthday Wish, Gets Busted
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BIRMINGHAM, AL - An Alabama Man was arrested on his birthday after he traveled to Birmingham to meet a minor for sex and was met, instead, by officers of the law. Birthdays can be a bitch. Sometimes no matter how many hints you drop about that special gift that you really want, you just get socks, underwear and fast-food gift certificates. Nobody listens. Nobody cares. What should be a special day is just one disappointment after another, until it culminates in an uncontrollable...

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