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Old Man Metal

Featured KISS Cover Band Singer Catches Fire During Show, Doesn't Miss A Beat
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Bobby Jensen is a fucking savage. Undaunted. An absolute beast. Jensen, the singer/guitarist for a KISS cover band called Hairball, showed what he's made of during a recent performance in Sioux City, Iowa, when a pyrotechnic effect made things a little hot for him, and he completely kept his cool. Decked out in full Paul Stanley regalia, Jensen became part of...
Featured Blizzard of Ozz Hits Quintuple Platinum
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Whether or not Ozzy is feeling better after his bout with a severe upper respiratory infection, word that his earthshaking solo debut album Blizzard of Ozz was just certified quintuple platinum should lift his spirits. The February 4th certification by the Recording Industry Association of America means that the album has sold 5 million copies since its initial release on Saturday, September 20th in 1980. Its last platinum certification, quadruple platinum, occurred on August 15th...
Featured Iron Maiden's Trooper Beer Goes Nitro
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Iron Maiden have announced the latest in a series of Maiden-branded beer releases, and they are going back to the start by releasing a keg-only nitro version of their venerable Trooper ESB. Brewed by Robinsons Family Brewers, and named for the iconic 1983 song about the Charge of the Light Brigade, Trooper is a decent traditional British ESB; it averages 3.44 out of 5 on Beer Advocate; I rated it a bit higher, but there are certainly better ESBs out there (including its limited-release big...
Featured Prince of Darkness Hospitalized Again In Latest Health Scare
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The Elder Statesman of Metal has been hospitalized again in another of a series of recent health scares. Ozzy Osbourne went back to the hospital, according to a February 6th tweet from wife Sharon, "following some complications from the flu." He was admitted to Keck Hospital following a diagnosis of "a severe upper respiratory infection" and has since cancelled the two-month European leg of "No More Tours 2," which featured Judas Fucking Priest as a support band. The Australian leg of the...
Featured Pittsburgh Man Jailed After Leaving Weed In Uber, Trying To Get It Back
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PITTSBURGH, PA — Marijuana makes you stupid. That's the rumor, at least. You'll have a hard time convincing Pennsylvania State Police otherwise after their dealings with Malik Mollett. Mollett, 21, took an Uber ride in late December, like thousands of other Pennsylvanians. No doubt some of them were high, and no doubt some of those dopers forgot something in the Ubermobile. Most of them probably wrote it off, whatever it was. Not Mollett. He forgot his bag of mean green. It wasn't just...
Louisiana Cop Charged With 40 Counts Related To Sexual Abuse Of Animals
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A Bossier City police officer has been arrested and charged with 40 counts related to sexual abuse of animals. Terry Yetman, 38, of 1207 Villaggio Blvd., was booked into the Bossier Parish jail Wednesday night. He was still listed in custody at the medium security facility as of late Thursday afternoon. [...] According to a release from Louisiana State Police, the LSP Special Victim’s Unit began an investigation in August 2018. State police allege that during a search, evidence...
Woman Rides Cart Around Walmart Parking Lot For Hours Drinking Wine From Pringles Can, Gets Banned
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Wichita Falls police received a rather unique call Friday morning involving a woman drinking wine in a Walmart parking lot. Employees requested officers to ban a woman from the local Walmart store after she reportedly had been drinking wine from a Pringles can for several hours while riding on an electric cart. The incident began shortly after 9 a.m. Friday when officers responded to a call to check on a suspicious person in the parking lot of Walmart, 2700 Central East Fwy. Officer...
Featured Idaho Priest Who Lived Life Of Blasphemy And Sin Sentenced For Violent Child Porn And Drugs
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BOISE, ID — The Rev. W. Thomas Faucher, an Idaho priest serving in the Roman Catholic Diocese of Boise, described himself at his recent sentencing as "one really sick puppy." That is a prescient assessment. The 73-year-old priest was being sentenced for distribution of child pornography. That charge, all too common nowadays, does not adequately portray the utterly depraved inner world in which this elderly apostate cleric had gleefully immersed himself. In terms of volume, this was hardly...
TJ Scott Grove: Incompetent Arsonist Who Really Wants To Fight
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A 34-year-old Caldwell man was arrested on suspicion of setting his girlfriend’s trailer on fire on New Year’s Day. Caldwell Police responded to the scene of the fire around 1:15 a.m. after a female called dispatch to say her mother’s boyfriend, TJ Scott Grove, was setting fires around the house. The caller said the suspect was punching holes in the walls, according to court records. A probable cause affidavit said witnesses claimed Grove was drinking at the trailer and “freaked out”...
Featured Baby Mama Drama Turns Kentucky Church Christmas Play Into Melee
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PRESTONBURG, KY — Mark Anthony Gilliam, 21, and Tabitha Ann Compton, 20, are Kentucky trash. And, like trash, you always know when they're around; trailer park drama follows them wherever they go, like the stench of boiled cabbage and failure. On Sunday, the 16th of December, said stench followed them to Trimble Chapel Church, where local children were performing in a Christmas Play called "It's The Gift that...
Bodybuilder In "Altered Mental State" Tased, Dies After Stabbing Date
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Erich Stelzer, 24, was tased by cops following a vicious assault on his date Maegan Tapley in Cohasset, Mass. The 6-foot-8-inch Stelzer allegedly stabbed Tapley repeatedly, and although she survived the horrific attack she could lose an eye. [...] On arriving at Stelzer’s residence at around 10 p.m., Cohasset Police said he slashed his veterinary assistant date. A spokesman said: “In an effort to rescue the victim and disarm Stelzer, Cohasset police officers used Tasers to subdue...
New Release Mentor — Cults, Crypts and Corpses
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Released on the 16th of November, Mentor's second album Cults, Crypts and Corpses is a late entry in the race for Album of the Year 2018, but it has quickly made up for lost time, sprinting past Wrathrone's Reflections of Torment to take the lead. Mentor are a Polish band whose 2016 debut Guts, Graves and Blasphemy flew under my radar (but rest assured that has been corrected). They play an aggressive, propulsive blend of hardcore, thrash and (to a lesser extent) death metal that...
Featured Florida Man Has Job Interview, Immediately Shoplifts From Same Store
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BROOKSVILE, FL — A Florida man was arrested after shoplifting from a department store where he had just completed a job interview. Some people hate to waste gas. They will go through the most ridiculous logistical contortions to get everything done in one trip, even if it means going around their ass to get to their elbow. Or, in the case of Florida Man Domick Breedlove, going to jail. Breedlove, 24, is one of those responsible young adults that seek out gainful employment. And he loves...
Featured Kentucky Brothers Dodge Pre-Halloween Child Rape Status Twice
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RADCLIFF, KY — Two Kentucky brothers were recently arrested for failure to register as sex offenders, a second offense for both. It seems the Tarter brothers got themselves into a bit of trouble down at Cooter's Place in Hardin County last Wednesday. Johnny Tarter, 51, and Wayne Tarter, 53, both like kids, and not in...
Featured Kentucky Deputies Clear Out Meth Nest; Dozen Arrested
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LONDON, KY — Police in Kentucky arrested a dozen people on a variety of charges after investigating community complaints about suspected drug dealing. There are good neighbors and there are bad neighbors, and then there are neighbors that are a blight on not just the neighborhood, but on humanity as well. Sometimes everyone in the neighborhood is painfully aware of their depredations, sometimes it's hidden below the surface like a pestilential rot. Neighbors like the Wild Wonderful Whites...
Featured Kansas Man Uses State Abortion Law To Dodge Statutory Rape Charge, Gets Rejected
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LAWRENCE, KS — A defense lawyer for a Kansas man on trial for sexually assaulting a 15-year-old girl tested a novel defense against statutory rape charges, but failed to convince the judge. I'll say this for Cooper Overstreet: when they zig, he zags, and he's not afraid to take the road never traveled. The Kansas lawyer is representing Jordan Ross, a 21-year-old Topeka man who stands accused of raping a 15-year-old girl...
Featured Arkansas Pervert With Sweetheart Plea Deal Wants Mo' Better
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PINEVILLE, AR — An Arkansas high school teacher who molested four students over a two year period is not satisfied with his plea deal, and is demanding more concessions from the state justice system. For some people it's never enough. No matter what good turn Fate does them, no matter how well their undeserving ass gets over, they want more. And they will demand it, too, mewling their ass-backwards, projected complaints and self-aggrandizing justifications until you just want to shut them...
Featured West Virginia Genius Hides Meth Operation In Kids' Room
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PARKERSBURG, WV — A West Virginia man is behind bars after narcotics officers found a methamphetamine distribution operation in the kids' room. Michael Lee Barker is a special kind of irresponsible. I mean, professional-grade irresponsible. Like, if irresponsibility paid a salary, he'd be on Easy Street for life. And he's damned lucky...
Featured Florida Man Uses Ill-Gotten Gains For Massive Dental Overhaul
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DeBARY, FL — A Florida Man has been arrested after committing a massive financial fraud that netted him new teeth and every kid's birthday wish. Timothy Powell is dumb as hell, but he has a great smile. The Florida man was reportedly recruited by a gang of thieves to help them with their dirty work. The first mission they gave him: fix that fucked-up grill. Powell's new partners in crime felt that less-dodgy dentition would make him "look better for future fraudulent transactions." I...
Featured Pennsylvania Man Sells Narcotics To Protect Others
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SANDY RIDGE, PA — A Pennsylvania man was arrested for distribution of narcotics, even though he claimed to have the best interests of others at heart. Some people are just humanitarians. They care about the people around them, even people that they don't really know, and they will go to great lengths to help them. Sometimes they're even willing to go to jail in the furtherance of the greater good. Dave Smith is one of those folks. An undercover informant ratted the 41-year-old man out to...

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