Old Man Metal

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Featured Florida Man Has Job Interview, Immediately Shoplifts From Same Store
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BROOKSVILE, FL — A Florida man was arrested after shoplifting from a department store where he had just completed a job interview. Some people hate to waste gas. They will go through the most ridiculous logistical contortions to get everything done in one trip, even if it means going around their ass to get to their elbow. Or, in the case of Florida Man Domick Breedlove, going to jail. Breedlove, 24, is one of those responsible young adults that seek out gainful employment. And he loves...
Featured Kentucky Brothers Dodge Pre-Halloween Child Rape Status Twice
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RADCLIFF, KY — Two Kentucky brothers were recently arrested for failure to register as sex offenders, a second offense for both. It seems the Tarter brothers got themselves into a bit of trouble down at Cooter's Place in Hardin County last Wednesday. Johnny Tarter, 51, and Wayne Tarter, 53, both like kids, and not in...
Featured Kentucky Deputies Clear Out Meth Nest; Dozen Arrested
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LONDON, KY — Police in Kentucky arrested a dozen people on a variety of charges after investigating community complaints about suspected drug dealing. There are good neighbors and there are bad neighbors, and then there are neighbors that are a blight on not just the neighborhood, but on humanity as well. Sometimes everyone in the neighborhood is painfully aware of their depredations, sometimes it's hidden below the surface like a pestilential rot. Neighbors like the Wild Wonderful Whites...
Featured Kansas Man Uses State Abortion Law To Dodge Statutory Rape Charge, Gets Rejected
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LAWRENCE, KS — A defense lawyer for a Kansas man on trial for sexually assaulting a 15-year-old girl tested a novel defense against statutory rape charges, but failed to convince the judge. I'll say this for Cooper Overstreet: when they zig, he zags, and he's not afraid to take the road never traveled. The Kansas lawyer is representing Jordan Ross, a 21-year-old Topeka man who stands accused of raping a 15-year-old girl...
Featured Arkansas Pervert With Sweetheart Plea Deal Wants Mo' Better
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PINEVILLE, AR — An Arkansas high school teacher who molested four students over a two year period is not satisfied with his plea deal, and is demanding more concessions from the state justice system. For some people it's never enough. No matter what good turn Fate does them, no matter how well their undeserving ass gets over, they want more. And they will demand it, too, mewling their ass-backwards, projected complaints and self-aggrandizing justifications until you just want to shut them...
Featured West Virginia Genius Hides Meth Operation In Kids' Room
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PARKERSBURG, WV — A West Virginia man is behind bars after narcotics officers found a methamphetamine distribution operation in the kids' room. Michael Lee Barker is a special kind of irresponsible. I mean, professional-grade irresponsible. Like, if irresponsibility paid a salary, he'd be on Easy Street for life. And he's damned lucky...
Featured Florida Man Uses Ill-Gotten Gains For Massive Dental Overhaul
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DeBARY, FL — A Florida Man has been arrested after committing a massive financial fraud that netted him new teeth and every kid's birthday wish. Timothy Powell is dumb as hell, but he has a great smile. The Florida man was reportedly recruited by a gang of thieves to help them with their dirty work. The first mission they gave him: fix that fucked-up grill. Powell's new partners in crime felt that less-dodgy dentition would make him "look better for future fraudulent transactions." I...
Featured Pennsylvania Man Sells Narcotics To Protect Others
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SANDY RIDGE, PA — A Pennsylvania man was arrested for distribution of narcotics, even though he claimed to have the best interests of others at heart. Some people are just humanitarians. They care about the people around them, even people that they don't really know, and they will go to great lengths to help them. Sometimes they're even willing to go to jail in the furtherance of the greater good. Dave Smith is one of those folks. An undercover informant ratted the 41-year-old man out to...
Featured Drunken Dallas Mom: We Are "Going To Die Together"
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DALLAS, TX - A Dallas mother faces felony charges after offering her pre-teen children bourbon, threatening them, and physically abusing her son. Isadora Ventura is a bourbon connoisseur with husband issues. And she has stabby thoughts. The last of these traits got the 28-year-old Dallas mom into hot water with the local authorities when they visited Casa...
Featured Florida Man Executes Teen Party-Goers For No Apparent Reason
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OLGA, FL — A Florida Man has been arrested for impersonating a cop and fatally shooting two teenaged boys at a local teen party spot, for no apparent reason. Elwood Timothy Robinson, 46, is like a Good Samaritan, but different. At about 5 AM on Saturday...
Terrifier - Weapons of Thrash Destruction (2017)
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Every year, no matter how hard you try, some real gems are going to slip past you. With thousands of new metal albums coming out each year, missing something good the first time around is a statistical certainty. Terrifier's 2017 album Weapons of Thrash Destruction is a perfect example of a Top-Ten-grade release that I missed last year. This is the second full-length album from these Canadian thrashers, and it is a beast! Terrifier play straight-up thrash: blitzkrieg-assault, high-speed...
Featured South Carolina Woman Helps Dead Speak, Gets Convicted
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CHARLESTON, SC — A South Carolina woman was convicted of health care fraud in federal court for billing the government for fraudulent speech therapy services. Sometimes the dead speak. Due to the natural process of decay, they often do not do so clearly. They need speech therapy. That's where Gena Randolph comes in. According to the US District Attorney's Office, Randolph regularly provided speech therapy...
Featured South Carolina Wife Takes Husband's Benefits, Leaves Him To Die
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COLUMBIA, SC - A South Carolina woman was sentenced to federal prison after using her cancer-stricken husband's veterans' benefits for a Vegas vacation and other fraudulent purposes. Tammy L. Yoho is a fucking bitch. With a last name like "Yo, ho!" you would almost expect it. The 54-year-old South Carolina woman obtained control of her veteran husband's VA benefits in 2002 when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. Rather than standing by her man, she...
Featured The Witches - Stacy Schiff
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Stacy Schiff's 2015 release The Witches is a thoroughly-researched, thoroughly end-noted (57 pages of them) non-ficton study of the New England witch panic of the early 1690s and the witchcraft trials that followed, with the main focus being on the town of Salem, Massachusetts. Schiff begins by setting the scene, introducing the individuals and families involved in the coming paroxym of fear and rigid justice, as well as the town itself, setting all within well-explored historical...
Featured Elderly Child Molester Gets Fatal Minute-Long Beating From Cellmate
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FORT WORTH, TX — An elderly, legally-incompetent child molester was beaten to death in front of staff in a Texas prison. David Faustino Flores doesn't like old people. He really hates child molesters. And he is quite the pugilist. Authorities at the Tarrant County jail made the mistake of putting the 42-year-old man, being...
Featured Arkansas Man Arrested For Whacking It At Walmart
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BIGELOW, AR — An Arkansas man has been arrested for public masturbation for the second time this year after an incident in the jewelry department of a Walmart. Shoppers at the Walmart on Skyline Drive in Bigelow, Arkansas got more than they bargained for on Sunday when Dustin Gene Crocker showed off the family jewels while doing a little public self-pleasuring...
Featured Teacher Accuses Special Needs Student Of Sexual Assault
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BEAVERTON, OR - In a twist on an old theme, a male Oregon teacher has accused a special-needs student of sexual assault. According to a half-million-dollar lawsuit filed on November 1st against the Beaverton School District by a paraeducator (whatever that is), the unnamed school employee, who, among other duties, was assigned to assist the student, had repeatedly reported "the student's escalating behavior," which was apparently of a sexually-assaultive nature, over a two-year period, all...
Featured Millennial Moron Dodges Darwin, Cop Gets BB To The Dome
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ANTIOCH, CA — Police officers in California ran across the King of Millennial Idiots recently, and it's a wonder that no on got an eye put out. As of press time, a name had not been released, but what we do know about Sonny Boy is that he is damned lucky to be alive, and he seems to have a death wish. And he's a stereotypical member of his much-maligned generation. Police in Antioch responded to a Tuesday evening complaint of a man brandishing a black semiautomatic pistol during a...
Featured Mom Of Three: "I Am Going To Go On A Murdering Spree"
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GLEN ULLIN, ND — A North Dakota mother missed out on Halloween after beating up her three-year-old, spewing threats at multiple agencies and assaulting police officers. Trista Reynolds completely lost her shit for Halloween, and boy, did she rack up the charges. According to the Morton County Sheriff's Office, the 34-year-old mother's high-speed...
Featured North Carolina Magician Indicted For Conjuring Too Near Kids
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GREENSBORO, NC — A North Carolina man has been indicted by a grand jury for being a sex offender on premises frequented by children after he performed as a magician during family night at a pizza restaurant. Authorities call Kevin Daniel Pegram a recidivist. I think they've got him pegged. The 35-year-old Rockingham County man is a registered sex offender because of...