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Last night I was dreaming about demons trying to kill me, which was quite terrifying until I woke up here.

Now? I just want somebody to fucking kill me already.
 
How’ve I missed this thread for so many years?
I started reading before my first was born, created a login when she was a toddler.

The crimes against children category brought me in. Idk why. Maybe my fucked up childhood? I was subjected to multiple forms of abuse from multiple abusers and I’m legit almost addicted to reading the reports. My husband can’t handle them at all. He can’t even handle stories from my childhood; they make him rage. So, having other people to discuss with, or just read opinions when I have no words... I don’t know. It helps something in me.
 
Why am I here? Well, where do I begin? I touched on this in my post in the 'introduce yourself' section but I'll elaborate further here. Not because I think anyone really cares but because I think it maybe cathartic for me in some way.
A few years ago I found myself struggling emotionally, more so than usual at least. I knew it was time to face the past. It's strange but I realised that it is possible to know something to be factual and yet totally believe the opposite. I'm sure there is some fancy sounding name for that state of mind. For most of my life I believed that I had never been raped, even though I knew that wasn't true.
Back then I was in the midst of a great deal of turmoil in my personal life, crazy family shit that forced me to think about my childhood and the direction my life had taken. I couldn't just keep looking forward anymore. There were also a lot of scandals in the media around this time regarding child sexual abuse, everywhere I looked there was something to remind me. For the first time in my life I knew that I had to be honest with myself, admit what happened to me. As soon as I did that, indescribable rage began to grow inside me. I had clarity, but with that came the terrible realization of the true impact this trauma had on my life. If you have never lived through it, you just can't understand. Picture a rock thrown into the center of a calm pond. The ripples emanate outward, disrupting the serenity, time passes and the ripples become less pronounced but they continue to expand. They become all encompassing. The entire pond is touched in the end.
Well meaning people will tell you that it was all in the past. They will tell you to move on. Moving on doesn't undo the damage and it's so easy to think of everything that you have lost. I have been fortunate in my life to have met two beautiful women who loved me for the person I am. Just two among more than I can remember, but they were too close, they could hurt me. I couldn't have that. Burning those bridges was so much safer than being vulnerable. Out of all the mistakes I have made, those two are the only ones I actually give a shit about.
When I came to realize why I acted in the manner I did, I broke down.
I'd finally figured it out. That man who raped me when I was 6, destroyed any chance I had to be happy. I wanted revenge. I was obsessed.
I knew I couldn't go on that way so I sought help. Thankfully there are organisations out there, staffed by kind, caring people who want nothing more than to help people though these issues. The problem was - I wasn't some timid little housewife, or a sympathetic kid. I was a big, bad man. I had been involved in a lifestyle where violence was an accepted method of conflict resolution, I was the worst nightmare of every child abuser out there.
I think, to this day that my honesty ruined my life. They realised that I had the motive and the capability to kill, which presented a dilemma to these mental health professionals. They are obligated to protect me, also the public. We can't have pissed off victims out there looking for revenge. Since I hadn't committed a crime the only option was to 'commit' me. So there I found myself in the psych ward surround by wackos who talk to themselves and talk to people who aren't really there. The only things I had in there were the clothes on my back and my smartphone. I needed to know why. Why did he do that to me? Did he think I would never grow up?
I did a lot of research on that 4 inch screen. I learned about them, the way they think and how they operate. Somewhere along the line I found the Demon, reading about these sickos going down for life made me feel better. I began to believe that justice is real and the fate that awaits those who hurt children is indeed a fate worse than death. Eventually I learned the right things to say and the right way to act. They let me out. Now I tell myself that my rapist is in all likelihood dead, or very close to it and I'm back where I started, Just looking forward and blocking out the pain, trying to forget everything that I have lost.
 
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Why am I here? Well, where do I begin? I touched on this in my post in the 'introduce yourself' section but I'll elaborate further here. Not because I think anyone really cares but because I think it maybe cathartic for me in some way.
A few years ago I found myself struggling emotionally, more so than usual at least. I knew it was time to face the past. It's strange but I realised that it is possible to know something to be factual and yet totally believe the opposite. I'm sure there is some fancy sounding name for that state of mind. For most of my life I believed that I had never been raped, even though I knew that wasn't true.
Back then I was in the midst of a great deal of turmoil in my personal life, crazy family shit that forced me to think about my childhood and the direction my life had taken. I couldn't just keep looking forward anymore. There were also a lot of scandals in the media around this time regarding child sexual abuse, everywhere I looked there was something to remind me. For the first time in my life I knew that I had to be honest with myself, admit what happened to me. As soon as I did that, indescribable rage began to grow inside me. I had clarity, but with that came the terrible realization of the true impact this trauma had on my life. If you have never lived through it, you just can't understand. Picture a rock thrown into the center of a calm pond. The ripples emanate outward, disrupting the serenity, time passes and the ripples become less pronounced but they continue to expand. They become all encompassing. The entire pond is touched in the end.
Well meaning people will tell you that it was all in the past. They will tell you to move on. Moving on doesn't undo the damage and it's so easy to think of everything that you have lost. I have been fortunate in my life to have met two beautiful women who loved me for the person I am. Just two among more than I can remember, but they were too close, they could hurt me. I couldn't have that. Burning those bridges was so much safer than being vulnerable. Out of all the mistakes I have made, those two are the only ones I actually give a shit about.
When I came to realize why I acted in the manner I did, I broke down.
I'd finally figured it out. That man who raped me when I was 6, destroyed any chance I had to be happy. I wanted revenge. I was obsessed.
I knew I couldn't go on that way so I sought help. Thankfully there are organisations out there, staffed by kind, caring people who want nothing more than to help people though these issues. The problem was - I wasn't some timid little housewife, or a sympathetic kid. I was a big, bad man. I had been involved in a lifestyle where violence was an accepted method of conflict resolution, I was the worst nightmare of every child abuser out there.
I think, to this day that my honesty ruined my life. They realised that I had the motive and the capability to kill, which presented a dilemma to these mental health professionals. They are obligated to protect me, also the public. We can't have pissed off victims out there looking for revenge. Since I hadn't committed a crime the only option was to 'commit' me. So there I found myself in the psych ward surround by wackos who talk to themselves and talk to people who aren't really there. The only things I had in there were the clothes on my back and my smartphone. I needed to know why. Why did he do that to me? Did he think I would never grow up?
I did a lot of research on that 4 inch screen. I learned about them, the way they think and how they operate. Somewhere along the line I found the Demon, reading about these sickos going down for life made me feel better. I began to believe that justice is real and the fate that awaits those who hurt children is indeed a fate worse than death. Eventually I learned the right things to say and the right way to act. They let me out. Now I tell myself that my rapist is in all likelihood dead, or very close to it and I'm back where I started, Just looking forward and blocking out the pain, trying to forget everything that I have lost.


Showing the love the only way I can. <3 Stay strong and love yourself.
 
You are brave to share that with us, and we appreciate your trust. Many here have also been abused and understand some of your feelings. Every case is different, but the effects are always just as devastating emotionally and mentally. I hope you continue to heal and that you are able to find peace eventually. :hug:
 
Showing the love the only way I can. <3 Stay strong and love yourself.
You are brave to share that with us, and we appreciate your trust. Many here have also been abused and understand some of your feelings. Every case is different, but the effects are always just as devastating emotionally and mentally. I hope you continue to heal and that you are able to find peace eventually. :hug:

Thank you so much for the words of support. Although I have to say it's pretty easy to be honest with random internet people, in all likelihood none of you will ever know who I am therefore I have no reason to be afraid to tell the truth. The fucked thing about all of this is that almost every case that is profiled on the Demon regarding child abuse is worse than what I went through. Even more fucked up is the fact that for every case that is reported, there are probably ten more that will never see the light of day. As for being strong - you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who would call me weak, but having to fight your own mind constantly is a weakness in itself. And as for finding peace, that will be waiting for me when I'm 6ft under. I'm too far down this road to turn back, denial is a bitch like that...
 
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Why am I here?
um...
To get laid?...
no that can't be it.
er...
To engage in healthy discussions about pressing social issues?
pfft hardly.

Lemme see...oh right!
I am here to read stories on the most messed up examples of morally collapsed individuals and the horrible things they do to others and pass judgement on them.
By doing this, it helps me feel superior in that I am not a total failure of a human being.
So in short...

I am here for smugness.
 
Humm. In the beining it was to show surport for the wrongs done to the innocent children / people of abuse and to help me express the devastating effects on myself and others that abuse has on us,

Kinda like a sounding board I guess
Or thought it to be with others that experienced abuse etc like my self .
But after a short time here I realized I was very disillusioned ( my ignorance ) lack of insight to human nature and the real horrible effects of Abuse has on many many people and the the environment in which we share abuse has such a different affect on each of us..(of course it does )
I realized that some come here still very hurt and are abusive them selves even after years of surviving Some lash out thru social media as bullies or take control of their lives thru being superior over others by snappy words or cute demeaning phrases. Or by demeaning others by out of context bullshit etc Just to argue..
Or they simply want to hate and despise every human being alive, good, bad, ugly,or just a lil different etc
Mine was to be able to finally say
Fuck that Cunt ""for hurting that child
Or fucking prick "" to cuss like a sailor,, all aimed toward the abuser, I was and still am able to lash out at them( Yes it makes me feel better ) and to tell a bit about me and my life experiences.

But then I slowly realized my way of thinking or my lack of words that didn't string together correctly or my lack of spelling or my lack of computer skills or the lack of a question mark after a completey innocent statement was ripe for abusers or victims of abusers here ..to abuse me
Yes here ..
I actually thought being here would help heal or at least get some shit off my chest etc
I was so very wrong ,,

my lack of tolerances for the accused comes from never being able to confront my abusers from my past .some still living,,.I think IDK anyway

So after a a year and a half here I realized truly how many black hearts there are in this world , and how many there really are closer to us then one would think

So being here now and from the start are a bit different
The responds and affects of responds to me or by others to others show me that basically some people want
to inflect harm on others because they can and they simply don't care what how they do it. Odd because I believed that Eye for an Eye was better then ""Just because I felt Like it .."" Or it pissed me off or it irritates me,, I never thought those were an excuse to hurt anyone verbal or psychical
I thought as most humans we had better control of our selves ,,Especially people who have been abused ..know and understand that lil things that piss us off or irritate us aren't reasons to be abused or hurt over ..
Boy I have Been so wrong,,my lack of understandding humans is Hugh
So now I am here still to say Fucking Cunt ,Prick,, Shit Stain to the abusers
And feel sick for the victims and weep for them,, now with more understanding that responses to my posts are from persons with unhealed wrongs done to them
And their lashing out or trying to be superior over others show me I am OK
my heart still is able to feel hurt,,
Unlike so many others that don't feel, they only react..
So being here now,, has changed why I was here to start with ,& why I am here still.
The news is great,, one site for different articles ""A group of excellent posters of news !!
And a few great responders to the news stories..
Entertainment at its finest

Death"" to all child sex abusers !
Sterilization to mothers and fathers who are screamers of verbal abuse and physical abusers

Peace""to all that have been inflected by abuse..
Hoping the cycle of abuse. will change and Stop with you.
Peace
Thanks DD and Staff
 
Why am I here? I stumbled upon a post from the demon featuring a 911 call about an elderly gentleman being attacked by an otter. I'm a horrible person, I laughed so hard I woke my husband up and had to leave the room until I could compose myself. Then I started reading more articles and the comments. I've been interested in true crime for awhile, so much so, I was attending college to obtain a degree in the field of forensic science, spent a year interning at the medical examiners office. Shit happened, life got fucked and all that went down the drain.

Why am I still here? Morbid curiosity, satisfaction over bad people being punished, amazement at the crap people can overcome, serious insomnia, the no holds barred comments, grateful that nothing so heinous has touched our lives. Until now. Our daughter had repressed sexual abuse by her cousin when she was 6 and he was 12. She changed then and we didn't know why; after a couple of years in therapy for anxiety, depression, loss of focus, sensitivities to everything, fear of everything etc. the memory resurfaced this year, in math class, of all places. Proper authorities have been notified and we're all in therapy to work through it, she's 11 now. I guess staying here, reading other survivors stories has helped me know that she will be okay in time with love, support and understanding. It's also a reminder that if I take out my anger on my nephew and my dipshit looser brother in law, I will not enjoy the punishment and our daughter will be visiting me in prison.
 
interesting reading. thank you for your candor, aussie. such effacing does help others. i can relate. i found out about dreamindemon back in the days of aol. around aol 6.0. i found chatrooms before i found forums. it could be a way to justify depression in my case but i also think it is important to know what is happening in the world.
 
I discovered DD front page about 18 months ago and read through years of articles in a day or two, I quickly found the forums soon after. I immediately fell in love with it, along with the community. The ability to feel rage and humor, I believe, is the most common attribute for those that post here, myself included. I considered it a rare gift to feel both those emotions at the same time, one that is lost to those that can't. I'm normally not trying to be a dick, I really don't what to hurt other people's feelings (I find no enjoyment in inflicting pain, or even discomfort, on even my enemies) but my unfortunate habit of speaking my thoughts a loud (especially when I'm angry or disgust) seems like I am trying to be a dick. This was totally acceptable in the military, but the civilian world has to many bullshit boundaries about what is acceptable to say or express. I fucking hate civilian life and if it weren't for my kids, I don't know how long I would have survived after my discharge. Here at DD I can express my rage (or disgust) in a humorous way, without getting a ton of shit for it, which, I believe, really helps my mental health.

All right, I guess that's enough sharing for today, fuckers.
 
This was totally acceptable in the military, but the civilian world has to many bullshit boundaries about what is acceptable to say or express. I fucking hate civilian life and if it weren't for my kids, I don't know how long I would have survived after my discharge. Here at DD I can express my rage (or disgust) in a humorous way, without getting a ton of shit for it, which, I believe, really helps my mental health.

All right, I guess that's enough sharing for today, fuckers.
Amen on the boundries in civilian world. For the past several years, I've regretted getting out. But by the time I wanted to go back in, they said I was too old.
 
I am here because I truly have no life..LMAO. With each fucked up story I read it makes me know I made the right decision on keeping my circle small and not interacting with most idiots (that I can control)
 
I have always been interested in the twisted effed up side of life. Ive created my own personal Hell and became a homeless junkie. Ive seen people do some unbelievable and depraved things without even thinking once let alone twice. And I was puzzled, confused and thirsty for more! Dont take that the wrong way, it was the psychology of it. What drives a person to do such things. Its not within myself to do things that require lack of empathy or bend my morals. Its the reckoning. I was 31 when I gave up drugs and my quest for instant gratification and had my son. It wasnt until this clear minded mommy discovered that i wasnt alone and there were people all over the world with websites such as this! The sarcasm and views into such things entertain me. Its all I have left of my days before being a mother.
 
I have always been interested in the twisted effed up side of life. Ive created my own personal Hell and became a homeless junkie. Ive seen people do some unbelievable and depraved things without even thinking once let alone twice. And I was puzzled, confused and thirsty for more! Dont take that the wrong way, it was the psychology of it. What drives a person to do such things. Its not within myself to do things that require lack of empathy or bend my morals. Its the reckoning. I was 31 when I gave up drugs and my quest for instant gratification and had my son. It wasnt until this clear minded mommy discovered that i wasnt alone and there were people all over the world with websites such as this! The sarcasm and views into such things entertain me. Its all I have left of my days before being a mother.

Recovery is awesome ... don't worry about having nothing left ... those days made me, more ... you get to take it all with you. Thanks for sharing ! MOtherhood is awesome ... little boys (snot gobbling dirt magnets) are the best !
 
I've always been here. I'm the one who donated the original couch.

I just like discussing bad news and other stuff that interests me. I like this site because of most of the members here. It's not too big or too small, just the right size group talk things out and engage with a story from the point of first hearing about it to the conclusion, even if that conclusion takes years or remains unresolved (Epstein, Serenity Dennard, Casey Anthony, MH370, Lauri Vallow, Hunter Biden's laptop, Etc.).
 
I’m here because I’ve always been interested in true crime and what makes the perps “tick.” Over the weekend, I discovered that Unsolved Mysteries (the original series with Robert Stack) is on Tubi, and I’ve been binge watching. It’s incredible that some crimes haven’t been solved after decades, and that there are people who’ve been missing for a very long time. I want to know where they are! I guess I can’t comprehend how people can just drop off the face of the earth without a trace in this connected world.

And I’m also here because I enjoy the community. I enjoy being at the Den and seeing different points of view and getting all ragey at some of the crimes that are committed, especially those against kids and animals. You guys are my Internet family and you’re stuck with me now!
 
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